Old Wounds

The past several weeks have been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Some days I'm super positive about the future and what's in store for me. Other days, I'm really sad and in an uncertain frame of mind.

I was in a really good place. I was feeling confident and an excited nervous. Then, I sort of got slapped back on my rump. 

The more time passes, the more it hits me that I really have NO clue where my life is going. That has been pretty tough to deal with. I truly, with every ounce of my being, KNOW that God has a plan for me. I know that He knows everything I do not and I know that trusting Him is the only way. That being said.... the not knowing sometimes wears me down.

If you have read this blog long enough, you know how hard I've worked to move past what went down with The Guy. It really took a very long time to stop hurting over it. It took even longer for me to even CONSIDER feeling anything for anyone else.

Meanwhile, I had this "Fun Distraction" that was just that... a fun distraction. He didn't quite live up to The Guy, but was a good friend. I honestly didn't think of him as a viable option, but he was a good person to spend time with. There has always been a flirty vibe between us.... and, it's always seemed that if I wanted something, it could be something that he'd be willing to explore.

One of my friends put it brilliantly, yesterday..... "I have seen a very slow build between the two of you. You've always come across as very friendly with one another, but I don't think you were ready. I remember suggesting him to you and you just weren't interested. It really wasn't until last Fall that I think things started to change. I noticed the two of you gravitating more and more toward each other. You guys slowly became a unit in other people's eyes. Then, over the past several months, I think *you* started to decide that you really wanted to try something with him."

That is basically how it's been. I've always liked the attention, but I was so uncertain. Then, I decided I did want to put myself out there.

Only, I was two weeks too late.

From a FD angle, I'm having a really hard time understanding what is going on with him. He spent the better part of a year telling me all the reasons that he didn't want to get into a relationship with BSG. Even as he was telling me that he needed to try things out with her, he was *still* telling me that there were "red flags."

Twice, I have been around the two of them since they started dating. Both times, he was not himself. Both times she displayed all those things that he says he doesn't like..... and, not just to me, but to others. The two of us haven't spoken about their relationship since I told him how I felt, but I'm "hearing around the grapevine" that he is still griping about various things.

The main thing is that we cannot be ourselves with one another, right now. When she is around, we try really, really hard to "act normal" but we just can't. When I say that she makes it impossible, I really mean it. So, I've taken the stance of "how we have to act when she is around is pretty much how we need to act when she is not around." I do not like that they are together. I do not think she is good for him, at all. However, he is choosing to have her as his girlfriend, right now..... I have to respect that title. If she were ok with us being friends, and didn't mind our banter, our thoughtless touches, etc, then we could keep it........ but, I refuse to be one way 90% of the time and then pretend that doesn't exist during the 10% that she is around. It isn't fair to either of us.

I do miss my friend. I miss the guy that I could be myself around. I also am so confused by what is going on with him and BSG, but really it's not my problem to fix.

From a semi-non-FD angle, there are so many old wounds, old fears, and old insecurities that having been bubbling to the surface.

I feel like I did all. that. work. to heal after TG and now the same thing is happening. I am, once again, left holding the bag. I feel like I'm not even being given a chance.

People that know me know that it is not easy for me to open my heart. It takes a lot for me to look at guy and think of him as "more." I was never the teenager that had a notebook full of hearts and boys' names doodled over them. I wasn't fickle, at all. That is just me.

So, when there is a crack in the armor... when I let someone in even just a little bit.... it is really, really hard to evacuate them.

I'm told that I don't try. I'm told that I don't put myself out there. I'm told that I just seem so darned content to be by myself.

All of that is basically true.

Except when it's not.

When it's not..... it is super, super painful and confusing.

I don't try until I find someone that I think is worth trying for.

I don't put myself out there until I feel enough to warrant laying it out on the line.

I'm content to be by myself until there is someone that I want to be with.

That is why I'm forcing myself to do the whole Match thing. So far, it is going "ok".... nothing of substance to report, but I'm slowly starting to do the whole "let's meet for coffee" thing and see if any of them lead to an actual date.

If you could pray, I'd appreciate it. I'm honestly begging God to change something for the better before my birthday. It seems like a realistic time period, lol. I just want all of this sadness and feeling of uncertainty to be gone before I start a new year.



Like I said, it's been a roller coaster. An absolute roller coaster.


*** Just to note - I feel the need to say that I don't think BSG is a bad person. Really, she is not. Honestly, on paper, we have a lot of similarities.... very similar morals, beliefs, basic character traits. However, once you look up and see the two of us, we are very, very different. Our core is very similar, but our outside personalities are VERY different. So, she is not a bad person. She is actually a sweet girl. And, I think she really deserves someone great. I just do not think she is right for FD or he for her. I think that, on paper, he is what she wants.... but, his personality seems to conflict with what she is comfortable handling and her actions/attitude reflects that.

Words of Wisdom with H&J

This may become a series, lol......

A Rant Of Sorts

Hi. I'm Jess and I'm annoyed.

Quick catch-up....... FD and I finally had "the talk." I told him how I felt. Only, it was two weeks too late. Because he had decided to "try to figure things out" with Brown Shirt Girl. He "had no clue that we were even a possibility." He "didn't think you were an option." 

Therefore, he "needs to give this a chance" with BSG. He "can't give you a thought right now because I just told BSG that I would see where things could go with her." He wants to "keep things the same between us and just see what happens."

Well, that was officially a month ago. And, he is still dating her.

So, I did what any normal girl would do.

I signed up for Match.com.

Because, while he is "figuring things out" with someone else, I'm not going to sit around and wait.

And, now I'm freaking annoyed.

So far, I've been matched up with a former creepy coworker and then two days later I got matched up with my friend's "off" coworker.

I'm currently emailing with about six different (seemingly) non-creepy, non-off guys.

It is exhausting.

I have to read through their profiles before I email them back to make sure I'm not confusing them with someone else.

Then, I go back over our emails to make sure I'm not replying to something that someone else said in an earlier email, by mistake.

*Stomps Foot*

I do not like this. This is why I hate dating. This is why I've never been one to be interested in more than one guy at a time.

After "The Guy", I finally found a guy that I liked. We are friends. We have fun together. We are both fairly attractive people. We make each other laugh. We comfort one another when we're upset. We have the ability to be both serious and flirty with one another.

So, why in the heck am I on Match.com while he is "figuring things out" with Brown Shirt Girl?!?!?!

*Crosses Arms and Pouts*

Word of Wisdom with H&J

My cousin and I crack me up....

25 Things

Since everyone and their brother in the blogworld has already done this, I figured that I would join in....

I'm trying to make these new, but I'm probably going to tell you some things you already know.

1) I get super weird and intense leg cramps. All. the. time. Even if I hydrate.... and take potassium. I still get them in the middle of the night. I have forever. They aren't normal..... they require me to fall back asleep in the strangest positions ever to get them to go away.

2) The idea of backpacking through Europe holds no appeal to me. I want suitcases. And, hotels. Without random strangers as my roommates.

3) One time in college, I totally skipped class for the day to audition to be a guest co-host on Live with Regis and Kelly. I didn't make it past the first round, but it was fun to try.

4) Speaking of auditioning, when I reach my goal weight, I want to audition to be a Rockette. No, seriously. I have always wanted to be one. They usually have auditions within driving distance of me, each year. Keep in mind, I have no illusions that I'll actually be cast. I just want to try, just so I can say I did.

5) I've read the Fifty Shades series and loved it. In fact, I read Darker and Freed twice. For all the talk of blushing while reading and having to put the books down, I never once did either. Maybe I'm smuttier than I thought.

6) I am left-handed, but do not ask me to use left-handed scissors. I can't cut with them. The way the blades meet is different than the way right-handed scissors meet and after being forced to use RHS for so long, I can't cut straight on a line with LHS.

7) My whole life I have always dreamed of having a little girl with curly hair. However, with my ridiculously stick straight hair, I probably should marry Ben Savage.

8) I *love* pineapples, pears, and watermelon. I could eat them every day.

9) My Ninny and my mom's sneezes will scare you to death. My mom didn't always sneeze like that and I fear that as I get older, my sneezes will become scary, too.

10) Full House was my absolute favorite TV show growing up. I've seen every episode at least a half dozen times. I still kind of wish I was friends with DJ Tanner.

11) I didn't travel via plane with an adult until I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. Before that, an trips to visit my Ninny in Alabama or my family in Colorado every summer were solo. As a result, I really am not a fan of travelling with my family on a plane. It is usually more dramatic than it needs to be. Pretty much, we get to the airport and I tell them I will meet them at the gate.

12) Thunderstorms are my favorite. And, heat lightening. They are both reasons I look forward to summer.

13) I know nothing about cars by choice. I am smart enough to learn about them. I just really don't care. As long as it works, I'm cool. If it doesn't, then I will gladly depend on someone who has taken the time to learn about them to fix it for me.

14) Chemistry alluded me in school. I could dissect an entire cat and take AP Calculus, but basic Chemistry made absolutely no sense to me.

15) Sportscasters are the equivalent of nails on chalkboard to me. They talk way too loud.

16) Ironically, actual nails on chalkboard don't bother me.

17) Scarlett Johannson irks me. Like, I know men think she's the epitome of sexy, but I don't understand why. A lot of times, she looks constipated to me. And, she always plays a confused slut.

18) The theme music for So You Think You Can Dance and Big Brother actually makes me smile. Every time I hear them.

19) I am always dumbfounded when restaurants are out of a major item. I never know what to say. One time, I went to Arby's and they were out of roast beef. Another time, Pizza Hut was out of all their crusts, except for Thin n Crispy. How does that happen?

20) The fun braids that are popular right now just make me wish I had the talent to braid my hair. Especially the pretty "headband braids." I try to do that with my hair, but it just doesn't work. I need a hairstylist to do my hair everyday.

21) When I sleep at night, it has to be on my side or back. I can't sleep on my stomach. However, when I take a nap, I prefer sleeping on my stomach. Go figure.

22) I'm super sarcastic. My cousin and I will make ourselves laugh until we cry with our sarcasm. Except, apparently I have an innocent face and a convincing tone, because very few people ever know that I'm being sarcastic. They don't pick up on it, at all.

23) There are some songs that pull such emotion out of me, it's embarrassing. Whether it's happy, sad, inspired, or whatever... I just feel it in all my bones and heart. If you add that song to great montage and I'm a goner. Really, it is ridiculous.

24) I'm seriously jealous of people with great butts. I have none. It's basically like one long back.

25) I kind of wish that Jesse Tyler Ferguson would have his own talk show. I adore him.

Things I Don't Understand....

- Why chocolate will make you fat if you eat too much of it, when sometimes it is the only thing that will keep me sane.

- The same goes for ice cream.

- Monty Python

- Chemistry

- Why we decided that weekend are only two days.

- Why a guy won't just say, "No, I'm not into you like that." but will instead string you along.

Clearing the Cobwebs

Last week, I did one of those vague "something is going down, but I don't want to be specific" posts.

Well, I still can't be too specific, but I can tell you that I was fearless. And, I spoke. Oh, did I speak.

In fact, after the initial speaking that I posted about, I continued the trend throughout the week. It was one of those super rare weeks where filters fly away and obstacles crumple at your glance.

It was amazing, really. I felt on top of things. I felt like things were getting done!

I was eloquent, articulate..... just plain real.

The original conversation that I needed to have (that led me to quoting Taylor Swift, lol) actually had the following said at different points in the talk.....

Me: I hate stuff like this. I am so bad at these conversations.

Other Person: Well, you are doing a fine job, right now.

And, then....

Me: Aagghhh! I really hate this.

Other Person: I know what you mean. I'm horrible at either side... I never know the right words to say. Things get jumbled up and I don't get out everything I want to say.

Me: That is the amazing thing. Normally, I am the same way. However, I'm saying everything I need to say, right now. 

My point?

Through some sort of divine intervention from God, I had a week where my brain and my tongue matched. It doesn't happen often, folks.

Coincidentally, I also had my best jogging week ever.

I don't know if it was all the pent up thoughts that finally had release or what, but I jogged and jogged and jogged.

Like, I always hear about runner's high (which I've never experienced... I hate it) and how running allows you to "work stuff out in your head."

The only thing I ever work out while running is that I need to breathe more.

I mean, every second is a fight to breathe, hold in my core, and keep one foot going in front of the other.

Except last week. It was like I was dancing (where I find my head becomes the most clear). There were no thoughts about how much my legs hurt or how much longer I had to do this or how hot it was or anything like I normally think.

Nope, instead I had thoughts of strength and how I was going to keep going. Literally and figuratively.

Really, I have no major revelation to share. Things are still in a state of flux. Weeks like last week may not repeat themselves in such a great way. But, I just wanted to document it. Because, it's so rare and when I'm feeling down, I'd like to remember that it happened.