Life....

..... is kicking my butt, right now.

Like, I'm having a really hard time dealing with one blow after another. 

There is a lot of good. I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to live in the good.

But, I can't say that the bad isn't weighing me down. 

Yesterday, I had several of important talks. A lot of them revolved around my greatest insecurity..... That I will never be enough. That the day will not come where a man looks at me and says, "YOU are exactly what I want and have been waiting for."

It's what I fear the most. 

Yesterday, I stood in front of a man that I greatly care about... that I want something with. And, I listened to him tell me how wonderful I was.... How much I mean to him.... How he can't count on one hand how many people in this world he cares about as much as he cares about me.... How I'm sweet and funny and thoughtful and driven and I have a great family.... and, how he didn't want me. He wants me in his life. He can't see his life without me in it, but he wants to try life with someone else (even though he freely admits that he loves, but isn't in love, with this woman and he has no intention of ever marrying her). I'm just not enough for him.

And, as he told me all about this other woman's insecurities and why he has to make allowances for them, I listened to him list off these things that I've experienced in my own life. These happenings that "make her" so afraid and untrusting..... I've actually experienced myself. I told him that. I also told him that he didn't see me putting him or anyone else on trial for those things. I told him that what was happening in this very instance was exactly what I was the most insecure about.

It was extremely tough, to say the least.

 About a year ago, I was in a similar state of mind. Granted, right now is worse because I'm getting it from several angles. Regardless, I was in this state of mind.

A friend.... who oddly was only in my life for a few short months.... said to me, "You need to know that if no one chooses you for the rest of your life. If you aren't picked as the best friend. If you aren't picked for a job. If you aren't picked as the love. If you go the rest of your life not being chosen, remember that God CHOSE YOU! He chose to bring you into this world. He knew that there was something unique and special about you.... something no one else in the world would ever have. He chose to die for you. He. Chose. You."

A couple friends over the past few weeks have made the point that even though I was in a good place this summer, maybe I wasn't in the place God wanted me to be in. Work is an ongoing question, but on the TG and FD front, I was "ok." They were in the picture, but in the background of it. I wasn't thinking about them, but they were still there. They were books on the shelf.

These friends have suggested that maybe God wanted them out, for good. That maybe God is burning those books, so to speak, to allow for some room on the shelf. That maybe it is time that I completely shut those doors and nail them shut. And, maybe something beyond my wildest dreams will be around the corner.

Or, not. Maybe there isn't something better around the corner, but I am trying to take steps to get them out of my life, as much as possible.

TG is actually pretty easy. He isn't here.

FD is a lot tougher. We work together. And, his exact words were, "You are going to have to tell me how to handle this, because I don't know how to proceed. We've done the avoidance thing and it never feels right. It doesn't feel right to not be friends." So, if I want him out of my life, *I* have to be the one that makes it happen.

This really, really sucks. I hope the better comes soon.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, folks! I am officially TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD.

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I'll be perfectly honest.... this is a scheduled post. I'm currently at with my family, basking in my birthday glow and eating whatever I want (calories do not count on your birthday...... it's the law). I'll post about my birthday later.

However, I have some goals to declare.

From August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013, I would like:

1) To work on improving my relationship with the Lord through devotions. - For some reason, I have a horrible time sticking with devotions/quiet time. I would like to establish a routine, a real one.

2) To get to my goal weight or size.... whichever comes first. - I have come SO far over the past several years and am SOOOOO close to where I want to be. I want to get there before I turn 30, so that I can enter that new decade with a truly fresh start.

3) To travel to at least five different places. - I loved that I did this while I was 28. I want to do it, again. Hey, I'm single.... now is the time to live it up! While I'm 29, I want to travel to at least five different places........ either out of the state or to a place in the state that I've never been.

4) To volunteer for at least five different events. - I do a lot of charity/community stuff with my job. I promote a lot of events and even go/participate in them, at times. However, honestly, I do way too much out of obligation instead out of just wanting to help. So, I want to CHOOSE at least five different events/organizations to volunteer.

5) To take at least three classes or seminars to teach me something new (that doesn't have to do with work). - It might be a couple hours one day or an entire "semester."  It may be a cooking class, painting class, finance seminar..... whatever. I just want to learn something new that isn't related to my job.

 6) To get various parts of my life "in order." - This one is a little more vague, but I have some things that I need to take care of before I turn 30. Hopefully.

7) To truly take Kelly's words to heart and live them out. - Last year, I read a post from Kelly at Kelly's Korner that really hit home. I even linked it on my birthday goals last year, too. Going through last year's post, I reread Kelly's post and decided there was a key part that I need to remember and try to live out.......

And this is probably the last thing you want to hear - but enjoy being single. Most likely you WILL get married and have a family at some point and you will look back one day and think "wow - it WAS kind of fun being single". Travel ......a LOT. I wish I would have done more. Volunteer for things (also a great way to meet like minded people). Go out to eat, visit friends, go to lots of movies. Enjoy Saturdays laying in bed watching movies all day. Eat anything you want for dinner. I am so thankful for my family that I can't stop thanking God but there are a lot of things you just can't do easily once you have a family. It takes careful planning now for me to have a night with friends or to go on a trip and I can't sign up to help with things or volunteer as much as I once could. I made the mistake of just wallowing in my unhappiness of being single instead of realizing it was (hopefully) just a stage of life and enjoying it. 

I just want you to know - you are NOT forgotten and I pray for you - all of you - daily as you wait. Your love stories are still being written.   ~ Kelly's Korner

So, those are my goals! I hope you all will follow along for this next chapter of my journey!

Be Fearless and Speak Now

 

I make no bones about the fact that I am a huge fan of Taylor Swift. More than her singing or performances, I greatly admire her way with words. I wish I was able to put pen to paper like she does.

 

She gets a lot of flack for being to immature or bubblegum, but I personally think her teenage self was brilliant at taking feelings and thoughts that we all have had at some point and expressing them in a thought-provoking way.

 

Her last two albums were titled 'Fearless' and 'Speak Now.' Oddly enough, they flow well into one another, don't you think? It takes some courage to speak your mind. To speak your heart.

 

In her words............ (Fearless)......

 

To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love even though you've been hurt before....... Fearless is to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else..... I think loving despite what some people think is Fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is Fearless. Letting go is Fearless. Then moving on and being alright, that's Fearless, too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is Fearless.

And, Speak Now....

'Speak now or forever hold your peace,' the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by. So many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you.' When we should've said 'I'm sorry.' When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

These songs are made up of words I didn't say when the moment was right in front of me. These songs are open letters. Each is written with a specific person in mind, telling them what I meant to tell them in person. To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December. To my first love who I never thought would be my first heartbreak. To my band. To a mean man I used to be afraid of. To someone who made my world very dark for a while. To a girl who stole something of mine. To someone I forgive for what he said in front of the whole world.

- Taylor Swift

 

 

 

I've said all of that (with Ms. Swift's help) to say that over the past month or so (and even more in the past week), I've been building up some courage. I've decided to be a bit fearless.... at the risk of being rejected. I've practiced in my mind some things I need to say and I pray that when the time comes to speak, the right words will come to me.

Hopefully, I'll be able to elaborate on all of this later in the week. 

In the meantime, if you could send up a few prayers for me.... for peace, for clarity, and for courage.

Running Into Arms

You know how when you're a kid and you get hurt or sad, you would just run into your mommy's arms and suddenly everything would be ok?

I miss that feeling.

I mean, to this day, sometimes I need a hug from my mom, when I am sick or sad. Sadly, though, the feeling of "Everything will be alright" isn't quite the same. I guess it's because we know too much, now.

Anyway, the end of last week (Thurs-Sat) was something of a nightmare, work-wise. There were some good points, but overall, I really wished I'd been somewhere else. Saturday night, when I was finally done with this event, I had a migraine. Like, my vision was starting to blur on my drive home, migraine.

PS - I have only gotten about five migraines in my entire life.

A good dose of meds that knocked me out took care of it and I awoke yesterday morning with a clear head, but the things that led up to it were just awful.

So many times throughout the event, I felt like running away. Just throwing my hands up, getting into my car, and leaving.

I kept wishing for a bear hug. One that would make all the bad stuff go away. Where I'd feel safe and calm and not so frustrated.

Then, yesterday morning, I went to church. We sang the first couple songs and then we started one that we haven't done in a while. I've always liked it before, but it hit me differently this time.

The chorus goes....

Oh, I'm running to Your arms.

I'm running to Your arms.

The riches of Your love will always be enough.

Nothing compares to Your embrace.

Light of the world, forever reign.

I actually started to cry.

What we were singing was what I was exactly the feeling I was looking for, all weekend long. I wanted to run into arms. To be embraced.

And, singing it at church, that is what I found myself doing.

I wanted to throw myself down and bawl, honestly. Out of relief and regret.

Relief that I had been reminded what I really needed.

Regret because I let myself forget.

I wish I didn't get into these patterns. Where I'll remember things and get a renewed spirit about something.... and then eventually, I let the fire die.

It can be applied to just about everything, but most of all, my relationship with Jesus.

Let me be clear..... my faith never wavers. That is never an issue I have.

No. My problem is that I try to take things upon myself and don't let Him have the control. Or, I don't go to Him when I'm frustrated.... annoyed.... or stressed.

Wouldn't it be easier if we could just let ourselves run into His arms, everyday, all day?

Perspective

Hi, everyone!

I just got back from another amazing trip to St. Jude. Expect a recap of the weekend, sometime this week.

Every time I come back from the trip, I come back with a renewed look on life. It usually lasts until just after our Radiothon. It is a feeling that I wish I could make last the rest of the 11 months of the year.

Generally speaking, I am pretty conservative. I try to be polite and considerate. I tend to play things safely.

I don't always speak my mind because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I don't act because I don't want to regret.

Then, I meet these kids. These amazing, beautiful kids. That are facing so much. That have so much hope.... so much LIFE.

And, I want to kick myself.

This weekend, I listened to the story of Marcus Luttrell. He is the lone survivor of Operation Redwing. He listened to his best friend in the entire world be killed and couldn't do anything about it. He faced members of the Taliban by himself. He crawled 7 miles while most of his major bones were broken to find some semblance of safety. He lives with the realization that 16 other people on his team died.... and that multiple others died trying to rescue him. Then, he got well and went out to protect our country again. The man had a room of over 1000 people completely spellbound for 90 minutes.

I heard his story and I met these kids.... and, I get so mad at myself for taking my own healthy, safe life for granted. I get so mad for worrying so much that I don't speak up.

So, I tend to use this month or so to take the bull by the horns. Even if it's fleeting, I try to make the most of my "newfound" (or regained) attitude.

As I did a couple years ago, I am taking this opportunity to take some scary steps.

Wish me luck, please.

Thankful

This morning, I was getting ready and was trying to rush it since I had an 8:15 dentist appt. I heard from downstairs a little voice say, "Wait, Cecka! I'm coming for you!!!"

Lydie-lu wanted to do "makeup time" with me. After a quick beauty time, I ushered her downstairs so I could finish getting ready and get to the dentist.

About two hours, two fillings, and a numb mouth later, I got to work. One of our DJs, R, came to me and asked if I'd heard. His cohost and my good friend M heard some awful news about her mother. She'd been found unconscious by her grandson (M's 11 year old nephew). He revived her and medics determined that her heart was stopped for a rather long time.

M is originally from out of state. Her northeast family are rarely people she's able to see. Early in May, she went up for her cousin's wedding......... it was the first time in years that her whole family was together. Then, in mid-June, her parents, neice, and nephew came down for her own wedding. It was a small, but lovely occasion that I was blessed enough to be able to attend.

In late July, M got word that her grandmother passed away. This is the same grandmother that heard her say her vows through a cell phone. She commented that this year has been full of high highs and low lows, for her family.

Now, today she's on her way back North to see her mother who is in intensive care.

I'm devastated for M and just wish I could so something to help.

At the same time, I extremely thankful.

I'm thankful that I live so close to my family. That, even though I sometimes think I need to be on my own, I have a situation where it works for my mom and I to live together. I was able to watch my brother grow up and now he lives 15 minutes away at college. I see him at church every week and at meals throughout.

I've lost a parent before. Sure, he wasn't biologically my father, but he was a dad to me for the majority of my childhood. So, I know how precious it is to be able to spend time with them and how quickly it can be taken away.

Today reminded me that I need to work less and love my family more.

It also let me know that, while I'd be ok if life leads me to another place, I would be more than ok staying here for the rest of my life.

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, folks! I am officially TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD.

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Do you realize that is only two years from 30?

Insanity.

I'll be perfectly honest.... this is a scheduled post. I'm currently at work, basking in my birthday glow and eating whatever I want (calories do not count on your birthday...... it's the law). I'll post about my birthday later.

However, I have some goals to declare.

From August 25, 2011 to August 25, 2012, I would like:

1) To work on improving my relationship with the Lord. - The past year and a half has shown the most growth in my relationship with God than in my whole life. Like last year, I want to keep it up. There are so many ways that I need to improve with Him.

2) To lose weight...... again. - Yeah...... seeing as this has been my goal for the past three birthdays, I might as well keep it going. Despite my calorie/point blindness today, I've actually done really well on Weight Watchers and intend to keep it up. I'm about 30 lbs from my goal weight, so I just need to keep on trucking. 

3) To travel to at least five different places. - This is a new one for me. In college, I traveled a LOT. I went on some of the best trips. Since then, I've tapered off. Already, I know I'll be going to Memphis, again, in January. I also have two tentative weekend trips planned. That's three, right there. I just read Kelly's Korner, today, and she was talking about singleness. She was encouraging those of us that are in the "single season" to embrace it. One of the things she said was to travel. So, I'll take her advice!! While I'm 28, I want to travel to at least five different places........ either out of the state or to a place in the state that I've never been.

 

4) To write and mail at least one card a month (or more than 12 in the whole year) - I was having a discussion with a semi-coworker a few weeks ago and we were both saying how much hand-written cards mean to us. Not only hand-written, but ones you receive in the mail. I know this seems silly for a goal, but I truly believe that there is something about being able to write/mail a card that makes you a better person. I'm actually pretty good about writing cards to people, but I can think of at least two people who deserve a nice "Thank You" note, right now. It could be emailed, but I do think mailing is in order.

5) To actively experience at least six new things that are completely unrelated to work. - It might be volunteering..... maybe taking a class..... possibly picking up a new hobby. I honestly don't know what, but at least six times in the next twelve months, I want to do something new that isn't related to my job. That is the double-edged sword.... I get to do a lot of new and fun things. However, it's always in the wrappings of my job, so "CAREER" is in the forefront of my mind. Let's expand, shall we?

I hope you all will follow along for this next chapter of my journey!

Taking Inventory......

Tomorrow is my birthday!

My birthday goals have become a bit of a tradition on this ole blog o' mine (found here, here, and here). I make them and then usually don't look at them but maybe once throughout year, until the week of my birthday. Then, I'm surprised at what I've accomplished and what I haven't, lol (found here and here).

1) To lose weight...... and be at my goal weight. - Forget the small goal nonsense. I tried that and apparently my small, manageable goal was so small and manageable that I didn't take it seriously enough. I have a lot of work to do, folks. This is the year to do it.

- Eh, not so much. I don't know why I thought I'd be so quick about it. I mean, I've lost just over 100 lbs from my heaviest weight. And, it took me about 6 years. So, I know it takes a while.

The good news is that I'm actually at the goal weight I made when I turned 26. So, I did reach a goal..... just a year later than I intended.

Whatever. I did lose it.

2) To work on improving my relationship with the Lord. - I have really come closer to God, in the past eight months. I need to keep working on learning what the Lord has to teach me and follow His plan for me.

- I think I've continued to make progress. In 2010, I went to church more than I'd ever gone in my life. Going to church every Sunday became something I WANTED to do..... not just something that I knew I should do. It's still a part of my every week routine that I look forward to doing. I *have* missed more church this year than last year, but it's more a priority than ever before.

I have other ways that I have improved and still need to improve. It's actually something I've thought about writing about, recently.

3) To start investing privately. - Again, I enrolled in my company's 401K plan. I want to do some of my own investing.

- Almost a check! I made contact with a financial planner that I really like and trust. We're in the process of setting me up, in a lot different areas. I'm really excited and feel like I'm a great path for my financial future!

4) To get some of my relationships on even ground. - The past year has been a trial. I am coming into my own a bit, at work, and some of my "friends" are having a time with it. It's a bit of a thin line to figure out where I need to set up boundaries. I don't want to lose friendships, but I don't want to be taken advantage of, either. I'm hoping to get some clarity and peace about the situations.

- Hallelujah, yes! Things have changed in the past year. And, it got worse before it got better. However, the place I'm in now is much healthier and better than I was this time last year. MUCH better.

5) To have a better year. - 26 kind of sucked. I've cried a lot in the past 12 months. I'm hoping and praying that 27 is a little happier.

- Again, YES!! 27 was way better than 26. The past year has been good.

I've said it several times in the past couple months......... 25 was AWESOME. It really was so great. 26 SUCKED the big one. 27 has been in the middle and I'm ok with that.

Overall, I'm proud of looking back at where I was last year and seeing that I've made major progress for 27. Honestly, I didn't set myself too hard. I was coming off of a rough year and was still dealing with a lot. So, my main goal was to get myself physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy. Mission is certainly being accomplished!!

Thanks to all of you for joining me! Thanks for encouraging me and keeping up with me!

Saturday Blurbs

• I currently have SO many posts to post. However, I have NO motivation to do it. I don't know why, because it's fun stuff to talk about. Just no motivation. So, you're stuck with these crappy posts.

• The pile of drafts in my folder remind me of my Lenten challenge. It's been a slow start to decluttering, I'll admit. My goal for today is to move a few storage boxes that are sitting in my room to a proper place (not on the shelves). That way, I can eventually move the piles of books on my floor to the shelves. Not today, though. My goal for today is to just clear the shelves.

• The creepy crud had been moving through my office and house over the past couple weeks. Our pollen count has been ridiculous, so people are quickly dropping like flies. My mom was even in the hospital over it, for five days, last week. I, however, thought I'd escaped it. Nope. I awoke on Thursday sounding like Demi Moore. After skipping the gym and resting on Thursday, I still felt like crap on Friday. So, I skipped the gym and rested last night. I woke up several times throughout the night with a painful cough and still feel like crap, today. My evening plans have now been scrapped and I've officially done nothing but sit on the couch, watch movies, and sleep, today.

• I'm hoping for a quick turnaround. Not only do I not want to miss church tomorrow, but I have a date with Lady Antebellum, tomorrow night. I've been looking forward to this for months. Any suggestions? It's not upper respiratory. I'm breathing through my nose, just fine. It's all in my chest.... which is weird because it usually starts upper and moves lower. This time, it went straight to lower. So, again, any suggestions?

• This week is perhaps going to be one of the craziest, yet. I have two HUGE events, for two different stations. One on Thursday and one on Saturday. Both of them are my creations..... and, I'm freaking out. Literally having nightmares about what could go wrong. Radiothon is intense, but it's clockwork. We've been there and done that so many times that it's just the workload that gets me. These two events, however, are stressing me out. Please, please, please pray for me over the next week. I'm praying that everything goes off without a hitch, that the events are successful, that everyone has a good time, and that I can go home at 2am on Sunday (yep) knowing I pulled it off. Otherwise, Monday may not be so fun, lol.

• I need to get back into my exercise groove. I was doing just that when I woke up ill on Thursday. It irritates me.

• Florida just won against Vandy. YAY!

• Is anyone watching Off the Map? I like it. Apparently, I like anything Shonda Rimes creates. Although, I was like 5 episodes into it before I found out that the blond chick is Meryl Streep's daughter. I always thought she looked familiar, but couldn't place it. Now, it seems so obvious.

• I'm not sure how I feel about American Idol, this season. I just don't feel connected to any of the contestants, so far.

• I just recently found out that Emily from The Bachelor once dated Jerrod Niemann. That girl has really good taste in men. I'm kind of jealous, actually.

• TV and work. This is what I talk about. Clearly, I have an exciting life, lol.

"Stop Thinking About Men"

..... That was my goal. More specifically.............

6) Stop thinking about men - That's right. I'm swearing off men for the rest of the year. As in, I'm done trying to flirt or "hang out" or over-analyzing every word, text, FB chat, etc, etc, etc. I'm done posting about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other guy that comes my way. I'm done talking about them. I'm done whining about being single. Done, done, done. For the rest of 2010, I'm embracing the single and putting all thoughts/actions regarding the opposite sex out of my head. This may mean that on January 1st, you'll be getting a 50,000 word post about all of the above...... so, enjoy the two and a half month break :).

So, how did I do?

When I made the concentrated effort, I immediately went to a few of my closest friends with my declaration and made them promise to keep me accountable. If I went to them talking about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other man, they were to tell me, "Plan, Jessica!!! The Plan!!!" If I started whining about being single, they were to tell me, "Plan, Jessica!! The Plan!!"

Overall, I did well. Not 100%, 100% of the time, but pretty darn good!!

Let's do a quick update on the major players.............

Fun Distraction - No longer confuses me, at all, lol. He was the easiest to stop stressing over......... which tells me that I wasn't as into it as I sometimes thought. We still flirt (when he initiates, I reciprocate) for the fun of it, but we're so not meant to be together and both of us seem to know it. The flirting is fun, but that's about it. I flirt and let him flirt, but I don't think twice about motives or whether it will go any further, which is nice.

The Guy - Still confuses me, on occasion. He pops in and out of the picture. For the past week, he's been in..... and, playing it up pretty big over the past few days. Ask Marianne or Gina or my cousin Heidi or my best friend Meg.......... he's a puzzle and still likes to mix those darned signals. That said, I'm handling it a lot better. Recovery/confusion time is less and less. I love the man (and probably always will). It's that simple. But, I'm definitely moving forward, which is good. In fact, one of my friends recently mentioned that I "seem a lot lighter..... overall aura is just happier and carefree."

Other progressions.............

Younger Crush - That's right. I managed to develop a crush over the past couple months :) He is a few years younger (totally not me). He's also not going to happen for various reasons, but that's ok. It was super fun to have a crush on someone new...... fun to giggle..... fun to get butterflies...... fun to find that I could have a connection with someone else. The best part is that I had all of that without it going so far that I was sad when it became clear that it's not in cards, for us. I miss all the fun, but I'm not sad about it.

Non NYE Date - So, I got asked out for NYE. By a guy who I've known for a little over 4 years. We used to be really close friends, but that friendship has subsided over the past year. One of the reasons is that he has feelings for me and can't keep the line un-blurred........... at one point, he was being pretty nasty about my feelings for TG and non-feelings for him. Anyway, he's asked me several times over the past few years about my feelings for him and I've told him all those times that I don't feel the same way. I'm simply not interested. I've always tried to be nice about it, because I'd hate for someone to be mean to me over feelings I have, but I've always been clear and firm. Not interested. I thought we were over the attempts to make us something we're not................... then, I got some texts on Wednesday. Asking me out on NYE. Sigh. I declined as politely as possible. Then, I got a big smile on my face.

Because, as annoyed and distressed as I was over the weirdness, I was also proud of myself. This may sound horrible, but it hit me that I wasn't as desperate as I sometimes think I am, lol. I don't want to sound mean......... because, again, I don't want to be treated that way. I'm sure it took some courage to ask. However, I got the choice to not go. Instead, I CHOSE to go Putt-Putt Golfing in Orlando with my parents, siblings, and my siblings' 18 year old friends. Then, we went for burgers....... came home..... ate birthday cake....... and rung in the New Year on my couch with cheesy party decorations, lol.

I could have gone out and had a date on NYE. But, I chose differently. Because, I *know* I don't want to be with this person. Not only do I not want to be with him..... I shouldn't be with him. He's not the one for me. I feel like God gave me a choice........... Here, you can have a relationship right now. You say you want one, so you can have one. Or, you can wait for MY perfect timing with the person I have picked for you.

Honestly, it wasn't that difficult of a choice. Had I been presented with someone else, I may not have chosen so easily, lol. Still, I feel like I discovered something really important about myself........... I'm not settling. Period.

Now, I'm not as excited about having to see Mr. Non-Date, on Monday. Most likely, he'll be hurt and/or embarrassed. Hurt/Embarrassed = Bitter = Mean/Nasty with him.

So, overall........... I think I did pretty well. I can't say I went the whole 2 1/2 months without over-analyzing or stressing. But, I did a lot less of it than normal and am getting better and better about it.

Go me!!

...... Hello, 2011!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

I don't normally do New Year Resolutions, because I already have a set of goals from birthday to birthday.

However, I'd like to continue to work on the goals from the "Jessica Is Moving Forward" plan that I made this Fall. I made progress and would like to keep up the good work!

Things I wish for you and I, both, in 2011.............

Happiness

Contentment

Love

Laughter

Whimsy

Peace

Health

I hope 2011 is the best year, yet!!

Super frustration............

So, I'm currently sitting at my desk, fighting back tears of frustration and the only place I can vent is here.

I love my job. I love the people I work for and with.

Let's get that out of the way.

However, sometimes I get so frustrated by the "status quo" that I feel like giving up.

There's this situation. A situation that has been the same for years and doesn't need to be. And, the situation could be changed, but I keep slamming myself up against brick walls every time I broach the subject.

As in, I walked into an office and before I could even get the question out was told, "No. Absolutely not."

Earlier this week, I was stunned at another person's though process relating to this situation. Someone, who before has raged against the machine and proclaimed how much support they have for the situation, completely turned the tables and I was literally left speechless.

I really want to scream at everyone who says they care, but clearly don't......... because if they did, this situation wouldn't exist.

And, I'm not being very specific or making any sense. But, unfortunately, that's the way it has to be on this public forum.

I love my job and I love the people I work for............ but, weeks like this where something I hold very dear is put on the line......... it seriously makes me want to just throw in the towel.

So in love......................

No, I'm not breaking my plan.

I'm just madly in love with this little princess............

Meet Hannah!!

I've mentioned several times on this blog that my best friend Meg was expecting her 2nd child. Well, Monday night, Hannah entered this world. I canNOT wait to meet her and love on her, as soon as Meg is up for the company.

Several months ago, before they even knew they were having a girl, I had a dream that Meg was having a little girl, that she would be born on 10/17, and that they would name her Sarah. It was so vivid.... I immediately told Meg about it. Since that dream, I have been on pins and needles, so excited for her to have the baby............ I felt some weird connection, lol.

Clearly, I was right about the little girl part. However, Meg and her husband don't reveal the name until the baby is born. She told me that I better not tell her the name. I did, however, tell her older sister and a couple friends  just in case she actually named her baby Sarah, so I'd have proof.

I was obviously wrong about the name and the date. Still, I was only a day off. And, I find it so interesting that the names are so closely linked to one another when talking about Biblical women. Because of their stories, Sarah and Hannah are very often paired in devotionals, etc. Meg's sister Mia told me today, "You weren't that far off, Jess." lol.

I love Hannah's name so much that I can't even be bummed that I was wrong, lol! It's so perfect.

Intentional or not, Meg gave me a hint a couple months ago. I was feeling down and did a post about it (Someday, MY Prince Will Come). Meg emailed me this beautiful little note about how God had been laying me on her heart the prior several days, about that exact issue. She also had just come across this article that morning and gave me the link......... http://www.wordlibrary.co.uk/article.php?id=161. Clearly, I'm not currently waiting for a child at this moment, but the story of Hannah's faithfulness is so relevant. I even forwarded that link to a couple of my bloggy friends.

I haven't been able to talk with Meg, so I'll be interested to find out if she came across the article because they'd chosen the name and she was looking for references. Or, if she came across the article and then they decided it was the name for their beautiful little girl.

Regardless, I will never be able to look at that gorgeous child without thinking about her namesake's story. Or, how her mom used that story to offer up amazing encouragement to me when I most needed it.

I'm so happy for Meg, her husband, and their little boy! And, I can't believe how much I just adore a little baby that I haven't even met, yet, lol.

Working On Me: 400th Post

400 posts. Wow. That's a lot.

In my next post there will be some info on a giveaway that I'm doing, but first..............

Since I started this blog, I've posted goals for myself to try to achieve before the next birthday. This year is no exception. However, I have some other goals for the more recent future.

I'm working on me. Just everything about me. It's no secret that I need to move forward in my life. I've made progress, but need to step it up. It's also no secret that I'm tired of being single. Well, I'm obviously single for a reason, so I'm going to use this time to get me together.

See, everyone tells you, "Enjoy it! You're footloose and fancy-free. You don't have anyone to answer to! You'll see once you're in a serious relationship just how much you'll miss parts of your single days."

I'm sure all of that is true. I'm sure the grass is greener on the other side.

But, I'll remind you of a few disadvantages of being single..........

1) You actually do answer to someone. - Several someones, actually. All of YOUR boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and kids, to be exact. When you literally only have ONE single girlfriend that lives nearby, you have to plan your get-togethers around what everyone else has going on. Yeah, I can get up and go to Disney World on a whim, without asking anyone else's opinion or plans. However, Disney World isn't all that much fun by yourself, people.

2) You have to endure the constant "does he like me" question. - Have I mentioned how much I hate dating? Or the whole flirting game? I like flirting with someone that I know likes me back. I like spending time with someone that I know wants to spend time with me. I hate all the trying to figure it out.

3) When you go solo, you're actually solo. - When you have a regular partner, it's ok to go places by yourself. Because you're not really the single one..... your plus one just couldn't make it. To be really single at events, kind of sucks.

Admittedly, I've been in a bit of a funk, lately. I'm just super tired of the uncertainty and loneliness. I've been working on a lot of things.... and making great progress.... but, there's been this overwhelming feeling that trails it. I need to focus.

So, I'm drafting a plan........ a "Jessica Is Moving Forward" plan........ that I hope to accomplish before the end of the year.

1) Complete the Couch 2 5K program - I'm on Week 2 and have to repeat the week because I only got two days done this week. I want to keep it up and complete it before Christmas.

2) Keep losing weight - If I do #1, this should happen, by extension. I'm on the right track, I need to stay on it.

3) Reorganize - my office (you saw it.... it's way better than it was, but not where it should be), my car, my room, my closet, my draft folder for my blog. I need to get rid of the clutter.

4) Be ok doing things alone - I'm pretty independent, but definitely don't like doing certain things by myself. For instance, if a friend cancels out on going to dinner or a movie, I'll just stay home. Well, I am done with that. This weekend, I got stood up on some movie plans...... for the second weekend in a row (by different people). Last weekend, I just stayed home. This weekend, I went to the movie, anyway. Then, I went to see ANOTHER movie by myself. It's not my favorite way to see a movie, but it works and I felt pretty good about myself, afterwards. In the next 2 1/2 months, I need to take opportunities to do things completely by myself that I normally would only do if I had friends with me.

5) Volunteer at church - Over the past couple of weeks, some volunteer opportunities have come up that would be perfect for me. To be honest, I've been resisting because I'm afraid of the time commitment. Well, I'm done with that. One opportunity passed me by and I felt guilty about it. A second opportunity has come up that I'm looking into before jumping in. A third opportunity is something I've done for the past three years and really only requires a few evenings in November, from me. A fourth opportunity is linked to the third opportunity...... it's an event our church does for the community and has grown into something huge. I've shyed away from actually volunteering for the event because it's the first two weekends in December and that's an INSANE time, at work. They started asking for volunteers, this morning. Over the two weekends, they need about 550 people helping out. I decided this morning that I will commit to one of those weekends..... work can just deal with it.

6) Stop thinking about men - That's right. I'm swearing off men for the rest of the year. As in, I'm done trying to flirt or "hang out" or over-analyzing every word, text, FB chat, etc, etc, etc. I'm done posting about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other guy that comes my way. I'm done talking about them. I'm done whining about being single. Done, done, done. For the rest of 2010, I'm embracing the single and putting all thoughts/actions regarding the opposite sex out of my head. This may mean that on January 1st, you'll be getting a 50,000 word post about all of the above...... so, enjoy the two and a half month break :).

There you go. There's my plan.

I'm telling you all about it, so that I can be accountible. It may seem cheesy or over-dramatic, but hopefully, writing it down will help. I'm putting my focus on other things.

Sunday Ramblings

Thanks to everyone for your prayers. Yesterday was Susan's Memorial..... her funeral and burial will be in a different state, where she was raised. It was such a sad, sad event, but filled with so much love and admiration for a woman who died too young but inspired us all.

In the upcoming months, please keep her husband, children, and family in your prayers. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas....... it will be a very hard season for them.

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Lots of things going on, last week and this upcoming week. I have a lot to blog about, including getting to see Justine, last night!!!

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I need to do two week's worth of WWB. Only it will be more like one week and a day. I only made it to the gym on Monday (I told you there was a lot going on). I feel gross and disgusting and like I'm getting flabbier by the second, lol.

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I miss GTKYS. So, I'm going to do Sunday Stealing............

1. Where are you from?

Central Florida..... born, raised, and still residing.

 

2. If you could live any place in the world, where would you live?

Nashville....... I feel like I could live there and love it. Plus, I already know a lot of people there, so (hopefully) I wouldn't be too lonely.

3. What's your favorite blog? I'll check them out of course!

See my sidebar for "Blogs I Adore".... I read all of them, faithfully!

 

4. What is your biggest blogging pet peeve?

It really bugs me when people leave "I love your blog. Cute, seriously SO cute.... follow me, so I can follow you!" comments. It makes me doubt that you actually read it or that you're out for anything more than a new follower.



5. What's your favorite TV show this season? I need a new show! :)

My DVR is chock-full. I've not had any time to watch any of the shows I recorded...... let's just say there are a lot of them.

6. What's your favorite 'down' time {nothing computer related}?

I like to read or watch TV or go to a movie or go to Disney World. I like to go for dinner or coffee with friends and just chat.

7. Are you a parent? If so, what's your favorite thing to do with your children?

I am not. However, my favorite thing to do with any of the children in my life is have a "Dance Party." We'll turn on the radio and dance around.

8. What about your blog, have you considered changing?

Nothing. I go in phases.... sometimes, I will do nothing but meme's. Other times, I'll post a bunch of event recaps. Other times, I'll just ramble about what is going on in my head.

9. What do you do for a living (if you work outside the home or if you work at home)?

I am the Promotions Director for four radio stations. It's fun and challenging!

10. What is your favorite song at the moment? What is your favorite song ever?

I love way too many songs to pick just one. I recently did a 30-Day Song Challenge.

11. What is your favorite niche TV channel to watch?

I don't, usually. I guess, TLC? I used to watch a lot of SoapNet, lol.

12. If you could have any career, what would it be and why?

I'm in the career I want to be in! There are other things in the Entertainment field I think I'd like to do, but this is definitely where I want to be.

13. What is your favorite outfit?

Anything comfy. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl. There are a couple of cute dresses that I feel really girly and pretty in, but mainly it's shirts and jeans.

14. If you could tell your teenage self something, what would you say?

As much as you hate the gym, start going NOW. Go at least three times a week and save your 27-year old self the hassle of losing so much weight.

Don't stress about boys. They aren't worth it............ Oh, and, you most certainly won't end up with T, that you're so crazy about, but it will be ok. You'll see why.... as great of a guy as he is (and truly, he is) he isn't for you.

Spend more time with Papa TJ and Mike. They'll be gone soon and you'll miss them.

Cherish your friendships and your friends....... you do a pretty good job of it and always have, but keep it up.

15. What is your favorite recipe?

Anything easy, lol.

16. What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

I've heard lots of funny jokes. Most of the time, the funniest ones are situational and are only funny to the people that were there, lol.

17. What is your favorite vacation spot and why?

I've recently discovered a love of cruise ships, lol.

Other than a big boat that takes me lots of fun places, I love NYC, LA, Nashville, and to visit my cousins in the dreaded New Mexico.

18. What are you most excited about with fall here?

Cooler weather!!! This summer was ROUGH!!! Already, the humidity is lower and the temperature is slowly dropping.

19. Did you envision yourself to be where you are today ten years ago? If not, what did you envision?

No, I didn't. I thought I'd be married and working on a kid or two by now. That was the only plan I had.

 I really wasn't sure what I'd be doing, but I never imagined I'd be working for a radio station, lol.

20. If money were no object, what would your dream house look like?

Wrap around porches.......... second story wrap around verandah..... lots of bedrooms...... a dance studio..... a really big kitchen where people can gather.

21. What is your all-time favorite Disney movie?

Let me go on record....... I LOVE DISNEY. Period. There are very few of their movies that I don't like.

That said, I really love Sleeping Beauty. I also love the Toy Story movies..... Beauty and the Beast.... Cinderella..... Aladdin.... just to name a few!

22. What blog do you think isn't getting enough notice?

I don't know, lol.

A New Angel In Heaven

Heaven gained a new angel, today.

Let me tell you about Susan.............

About 4 years ago, I was subbing and I got a random assignment for this 2nd grade teacher. I went, did my substitute teacher thing, and then went about my life. About a week later, I was subbing at the school again and stopped by that same 2nd grade class to introduce myself to the teacher and see if everything was ok as I left it. Susan was a new teacher that year and we chatted about the class, if I'd be willing to be called on again, and just general stuff. Throughout the school year, I got called by her a few more times to sub.

In August 2007, Susan called me with a big request. She was expecting twins (after a long struggle to get pregnant!!!) and was hoping I'd sub for her while she was on maternity leave. At the beginning of October, I took over her classroom and taught for three months. I loved and adored that class.... they were "my" kids (and I was sad to give them back, lol). We mainly kept in touch via email for those three months.... and she sent me the link to her blog, so I could keep up on the scoop of the kiddos!!! (Reading her blog led me to read other blogs which eventually led me to starting my own. She inspired me in so many other ways, too.)

After my subbing job was over, I came back a few more times to cover for her, as well as saw her around the school. The next school year, she moved up to 3rd grade with "our" kids. I ended up doing another long-term assignment for another 3rd grade teacher. We were so excited to have one another down the hall and spent too much time chatting while our kids were at Specials or sticking our heads out the door to finish up a conversation.

A couple weeks after that assignment was over, I got offered my full-time job at the station. She (among other teachers) were SO happy and supportive, but also let me know how much they were going to miss me. I stopped in a few times for lunch with them and kept up on Facebook.

A little over a year ago, Susan got a job teaching virtual school. Leaving her with some flexibility, we made plans to go to lunch as often as possible, which ended up being about 4-6 times last school year. Between FB and our blogs, we were fairly caught up and would discuss the fun detail that you sometimes leave out of public forums, lol. She always encouraged me and prayed with me and just plain inspired me. We also had a mutual obsession with Vera Bradley and would splurge after lunch, lol.

The last time I saw her in person was on Mother's Day.......... her family and mine ran into each other at Carrabba's. Summer was already pretty full of plans and trips for her, but we promised to start up lunches again once Fall came around.

Fast-forward to the beginning of September....... I got a FB message from her to several of us called "My Brain Thingy." It was explaining something that was going on with her brain, but honestly, I didn't understand a lot of it. I added her to my mental prayer list. On Monday, she posted that she had her surgery the next day...... I commented that I'd pray for her. Tuesday morning, she put up a couple of FB statuses, indicating that she was still in the waiting room and was bored. A couple times, I sent up a quick prayer.

I didn't hear anything after those initial updates. My day got busy and exciting, and I stupidly just assumed that everything was fine.

This afternoon, a mutual friend/former coworker posted on Facebook the news. Susan passed away.

I still don't have all the details, but............ In surgery, she had a stroke. At first, they thought it would take rehab, but she'd recover. Unfortunately, though, her brain began to swell for reasons they couldn't figure out. Today, they declared that she had no brain activity.

Susan

June 6, 1977 - September 22, 2010

Susan left behind a husband....... one that loved her like I've prayed God gives me in a husband. She leaves behind two beautiful children who will turn three, in October....... a mother to them like I've prayed to God that I'll be able to be to my own someday. She leaves behind countless family and friends that miss her, love her, and were inspired by her.

Please pray. Please pray for her husband and those sweet babies. Please pray for her family and friends. I know that God calls us when it's our time. I know He has healed her and she's now in a better place. It's us that are worse off without her in our world.

Susan and I, December 2007, at "our" class' holiday party.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

That's right, folks! I am officially TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD.

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Do you realize that is only three years from 30?

Insanity.

I'll be perfectly honest.... this is a scheduled post. I'm currently at work, basking in my birthday glow and eating whatever I want (calories do not count on your birthday...... it's the law). I'll post about my birthday later.

However, I have some goals to declare.

From August 25, 2010 to August 25, 2011, I would like:

1) To lose weight...... and be at my goal weight. - Forget the small goal nonsense. I tried that and apparently my small, manageable goal was so small and manageable that I didn't take it seriously enough. I have a lot of work to do, folks. This is the year to do it.

2) To work on improving my relationship with the Lord. - I have really come closer to God, in the past eight months. I need to keep working on learning what the Lord has to teach me and follow His plan for me.

3) To start investing privately. - Again, I enrolled in my company's 401K plan. I want to do some of my own investing.

4) To get some of my relationships on even ground. - The past year has been a trial. I am coming into my own a bit, at work, and some of my "friends" are having a time with it. It's a bit of a thin line to figure out where I need to set up boundaries. I don't want to lose friendships, but I don't want to be taken advantage of, either. I'm hoping to get some clarity and peace about the situations.

5) To have a better year. - 26 kind of sucked. I've cried a lot in the past 12 months. I'm hoping and praying that 27 is a little happier.

I hope you all will follow along for this next chapter of my journey!

Taking Inventory..........

When I started this blog, I made a list of goals before I turned 26. Then, I forgot about it, lol.

Funny enough, I came across that post, right before my birthday, last year. I had a great time looking back at my accomplishments for 25. Then, I posted some new goals.

Keeping with that theme, I want to look back at the past year........

1) To keep losing weight.... specifically, at least 26 pounds. - Not just because I'm 26 and that was cute, but losing 26 lbs would put me at a very even number. A number I think I'd like. Not to stay there, but that would be closer to my actual goal weight.

- *Hides head in shame.* Not quite. Let's see, I lost 5 and then another 5. Then, came January and "the letter which was never answered" and I gained both 5's back. Then, I lost another 3 and now, I've lost 11 since the beginning of June. So, while I lost 24 lbs, I am still 12 lbs from my original goal for 26. YUCK.

2) To continue to try to live and appreciate life more - I want to stop and smell the roses, etc.

- I feel I've done that. I DEFINITELY appreciate the little things.

3) To start investing - I've got the amount in my savings that I've been working towards. Now, it's time to really start investing.

- Yes and no. I'm enrolled in my company's 401K program. However, due to some circumstances, I'm not to the private investing that I wanted to be doing by this point.

4) To work on moving out - Not necessarily by the time I'm 27, but I need to be getting close to it.

- Still working on it. I love my family, but do want to eventually be on my own and be a "real" adult.

5) Either be with or get over "The Guy"... basically, get some closure on the situation - The "will they/won't they"...."I like you, do you like me?" stuff needs to be on its way out. He's a close friend, but I can't go on like this for another year.

Like I said a year ago, his little announcement the day before my birthday (a year ago TODAY..... really hard to believe) sort of made it so that my 5th goal would be done pretty much immediately.

Then, he actually moved. And, we kept in contact. A lot. A whole bunch, in fact. Like, talking on the phone for an hour on Christmas Day.

And, my feelings only grew stronger. Whoops.

So, I wrote "The Letter."

And, I didn't hear back from him.

To this day, we have some communication (minor communication) about once or twice a month. At NO point do we mention the letter or feelings or anything resembling. But, we still circle each other and keep tabs on one another.

All that to say........ sadly, still working on it. I've come to realize (and am slowly starting to accept) that I'll probably never be fully "over" him. He'll probably always hold a special place in my heart. But, I'm getting there :)

Tomorrow, I turn 27 (still a little leery of that number)!! I have a new year of goals all ready to go!