Saga of TG: New Chapter

Some of you may have seen this on IG. Most of you probably don't care. And, all of you are probably like, "Wait, why are we still talking about him?"

But, this has always been my place to document my life, so I'm going to share.

The Guy came to town last week. If you recall, it's been five years since he's moved and almost two years since he's been back. Ironically, this past Friday (the day he got here and I first saw him) was one year to the day since I found out that he was having a baby.

As I said in the baby post, I'd long ago given up hope or really wanting anything with him. I really had stopped thinking that we were ever going to be anything but friends. But, when I found out in such a harsh way that he was having a baby, it brought back ALL those things I once wanted and never got. It took some time to process. And, the hurt took a bit to get over.

Eventually, I did. Eventually, we started talking again. And, about 5 or 6 months ago, I was talking with him on the phone (we usually text once every 2-4 weeks, sometimes more and sometimes less.... and, we usually chat on the phone every couple months) and when I got off the phone, it hit me. I was COMPLETELY over him. Like, I was happy to catch up, but it just dawned on me that I'd healed.

Eight and a half years ago, he literally walked into a room and changed my world. It sounds dramatic, but he did. I've learned, I've grown, I've had my heart broken, I've healed, and I've really learned what unconditional love is because of this man.

It's been a LONG time coming. A really long time. But, it finally came. I think it happened gradually, but I just stopped being "in love." I still adore him and he still means the world to me, but my heart strings were cut.

Then, I found out he was coming to town. As excited as I was to see him, I was a little nervous. After all, it's really easy to think you are over someone when they live three states away. We chatted a couple times about his visit. We knew we would see each other at the station (he was coming into town for some business), but he still said that we needed to get together outside of that. I was feeling the excitement you feel when your best friend or favorite relative is coming for a visit..... but, I was still worried that I'd slip back into old habits when I actually saw him.

Friday morning, I went into the station and he was already there. He was sitting in on one of the talk shows and during a break I went in to say Hi. Cue him looking at me, "HEY! It's you!" and jumping up to give me a big hug. In between going on different stations and doing interviews, he basically claimed his old spot in my office to chill. We got to chat a little, but it was busy and a lot of people were coming in to talk with him. It was just really fun/weird to have him back in his old stomping grounds, which are still my stomping grounds. In some ways, it felt like he still belongs here and in other ways, it was so weird.

I invited him to go to HHN with me and some friends that night. He wanted to, but didn't end up going at the last minute. His mom was also in town and wanted him to hang out with her, lol. So, we made plans to meet up for breakfast Saturday morning.

We did meet up for breakfast and though it was quick (he had a speaking engagement to get to), we still had a good time. Like always, we basically talk about everything and nothing. 45 minutes later, he had to rush out, we grabbed a quick pic (because the one from the day before was blurry), he gave me a hug, and told me, "See you later, you."

That was pretty much it. I went about my day and the rest of my weekend. We shot quick texts to one another last night.

Meanwhile, I had a bunch of people being super concerned. It was sweet, but funny. My poor BIL saw a picture of him on FB and cautiously asked my sister if I knew he was in town. My sister, fearing that he had a death wish and didn't tell me he was in town, texted my cousin to make sure I knew. My cousin was aware that all was well, lol.

I also had people doing "check ins" to make sure I was emotionally ok. So, I have spent the last few days explaining to everyone that I am, in fact, over him. There were no heart flutters at the sight of him, there was no tears or overwhelming sadness when he was gone.....

Simply put, I've moved on.

He is still one of my favorite people in the world. I will always care about him and his well-being. However, I can definitely, without a doubt say that I do not feel that way about him anymore.

As I told my Ninny, "Look, I will never say never. Who knows what God has in store for me. However, God has taken that desire out of my heart. For years, I've prayed that if TG wasn't in HIS plan for me to take the desire out and He finally did."

So, friends, it's been a long road, but I can say there is a new chapter in the story of The Guy. "Friends for Real"

Again, you may have seen this on IG. But, since all of this started on this little blog o mine and you've spent years reading about my seemingly-neverending-love, I thought at least one picture was owed of this previously nameless, faceless man.......

The Guy and I

Life....

..... is kicking my butt, right now.

Like, I'm having a really hard time dealing with one blow after another. 

There is a lot of good. I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to live in the good.

But, I can't say that the bad isn't weighing me down. 

Yesterday, I had several of important talks. A lot of them revolved around my greatest insecurity..... That I will never be enough. That the day will not come where a man looks at me and says, "YOU are exactly what I want and have been waiting for."

It's what I fear the most. 

Yesterday, I stood in front of a man that I greatly care about... that I want something with. And, I listened to him tell me how wonderful I was.... How much I mean to him.... How he can't count on one hand how many people in this world he cares about as much as he cares about me.... How I'm sweet and funny and thoughtful and driven and I have a great family.... and, how he didn't want me. He wants me in his life. He can't see his life without me in it, but he wants to try life with someone else (even though he freely admits that he loves, but isn't in love, with this woman and he has no intention of ever marrying her). I'm just not enough for him.

And, as he told me all about this other woman's insecurities and why he has to make allowances for them, I listened to him list off these things that I've experienced in my own life. These happenings that "make her" so afraid and untrusting..... I've actually experienced myself. I told him that. I also told him that he didn't see me putting him or anyone else on trial for those things. I told him that what was happening in this very instance was exactly what I was the most insecure about.

It was extremely tough, to say the least.

 About a year ago, I was in a similar state of mind. Granted, right now is worse because I'm getting it from several angles. Regardless, I was in this state of mind.

A friend.... who oddly was only in my life for a few short months.... said to me, "You need to know that if no one chooses you for the rest of your life. If you aren't picked as the best friend. If you aren't picked for a job. If you aren't picked as the love. If you go the rest of your life not being chosen, remember that God CHOSE YOU! He chose to bring you into this world. He knew that there was something unique and special about you.... something no one else in the world would ever have. He chose to die for you. He. Chose. You."

A couple friends over the past few weeks have made the point that even though I was in a good place this summer, maybe I wasn't in the place God wanted me to be in. Work is an ongoing question, but on the TG and FD front, I was "ok." They were in the picture, but in the background of it. I wasn't thinking about them, but they were still there. They were books on the shelf.

These friends have suggested that maybe God wanted them out, for good. That maybe God is burning those books, so to speak, to allow for some room on the shelf. That maybe it is time that I completely shut those doors and nail them shut. And, maybe something beyond my wildest dreams will be around the corner.

Or, not. Maybe there isn't something better around the corner, but I am trying to take steps to get them out of my life, as much as possible.

TG is actually pretty easy. He isn't here.

FD is a lot tougher. We work together. And, his exact words were, "You are going to have to tell me how to handle this, because I don't know how to proceed. We've done the avoidance thing and it never feels right. It doesn't feel right to not be friends." So, if I want him out of my life, *I* have to be the one that makes it happen.

This really, really sucks. I hope the better comes soon.

Lesson #1 - Speaking Up

 There have been several times in the past few years that I've written about this. Usually, it is when I have finally gotten the courage to admit my feelings to the current boy (well.... really, there have been two The Guy and Fun Distraction). But, I've also talked about how I tend to keep things in.

I'm afraid to say something I will regret..... I'll regret the consequences..... So, I just keep silent.

Then, I end up regretting NOT saying what I was truly feeling. Because, we cannot hold other people accountable for things they didn't know.

In the end, I may be sad about the other person's reaction/actions, but I never end up sorry that I said something. Because, I was truthful.... and, in that moment, 100% me.

I've learned to speak up, but not in anger. Stay above the belt. Say your feelings, but don't be mean. Be firm, but loving.

It's all a hard line to tow, but I'm getting better at it. Whether at work or with friends or with family or with the Customer Service rep at zazzle.com...... I'm slowly getting better at voicing my thoughts on a situation.

This weekend, TG.... who still hasn't addressed the 38 week elephant in the room (oh, yeah, that is right.... apparently, he's going to be a Daddy sometime around Oct 12th...... yes, my anger and hurt was multiplied).... decided to be all cute on our personal FBs. After several hours of mulling it over (and, getting out the super sarcastic and nasty things I wanted to reply with), I settled on this.....

Beyond him replying, "Touche!!!" we still have spoken or texted. While I spoke up in that letter I wrote him such a long time ago, I just went ahead and started being his friend again without speaking up about how his silence for six months affected me.

At the very least, he now knows that while I *do* wish him well and I *do* still call him a friend, I'm not happy with him.

So, today's lesson is to "Speak Now." 

The Guy in a Video

I'll be upfront about the fact that the title of this post is misleading. Regardless, just keep reading.


So, if you've been reading for ANY length of time, you've read about The Guy.

Small update: No update in that department. We live our lives. Mine in Florida and him in another state. Sometimes, we talk a lot. Other times (like lately), we just keep tabs on one another via FB. It's pretty much just how things are and I'm more cool with it than ever.

Anyway, he posted this video on his work page today. We actually both have two.... one for work/radio and one for personal. Our work pages are linked and our personal pages are linked. When he posted it, he said something along the lines of, "Ashton reveals his real name. Not only am I a fan of his real name, but his speech is amazing...."

If you can connect a few dots, then you will realize that I just let loose a little fact about The Guy.

While I was watching this video, I started chuckling at the realization at just how many things the person in the video and the person who posted the video have in common. See, way back when he lived here, this other guy who had a thing for me and HATED that I had a thing for The Guy would constantly compare him to AK. In fact, he would straight-up call him Ashton to me, just to needle me. I didn't really care, because I always have thought AK was a funny guy, but I never really thought about it.

Because, in my mind, The Guy was more of a Shane West and George Clooney. There were a lot of comparisons for both of those guys, for many reasons, and I just never gave much thought to the AK stuff.

Until today. When I was watching that video and it was like watching The Guy, lol.

I commented back to him, "Hahahaha.... You guys kind of dress and talk alike, too."

Then, I actually gave him a call. Because, while they DO dress (and stand and motion) eerily alike, there were a lot of other similarities. More important ones.

For all of his goofiness and apparent playboyness, AK made a brilliantly impassioned speech in front of all those teenagers watching. About hard work and not letting life pass you by and about what is really important in a person. About realizing your potential and the potential of those around you. About using your brain and your internal gifts.

And, he said it to millions of teenagers.

Watching that video, I'd never been quite so attracted to Ashton Kutcher.  And, in turn, had never been so attracted to The Guy.

I was showing the video to one of my coworkers and she said, "I've never realized how much they look alike."

I called TG and we were talking about how impressed we were by the depth of what he said. And, I told him about this other guy always ragging on me for "being friends" with him. And, I told him how the other guy always tried to call him Ashton as an insult. Since I'd never told him that, he was both surprised and amused, because he's not overly fond of the other guy either. I told him, "I was sitting there watching it and I started laughing at my desk because it was like watching you. Your clothes, your stance, and even the way you start speaking when you're really passionate about something." But, as I told him, after watching that video, it's not an insult at all, but more of a compliment to be so similar.

I know AK isn't perfect and has had some scandal surrounding him. So has The Guy to a lesser degree, lol. But that heart that you see in that video is what makes a guy like him so attractive.

And, I'm kind of proud to say that the same heart can be found in MY "Ashton."

So, if you have ever wondered what it was The Guy is like, you just got a solid clue, lol.

Lines Not Forgotten (BEDIM 25)

Day 25, Saturday:  Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
We will do one of each.......
"You are fake. You can't actually care about all the people you pretend to care about."
A guy who used to be a really good friend told me that. Not only did it really, really hurt, but I spent a lot of soul searching to really see if what he said had any validity. I legitimately wondered if what he said was true and even asked some of the closest people in my life. The verdict was that he was just being cruel.... and that he was projecting. But, it stuck with me and probably always will.



"I just want you to know......... your daughter is the most amazing girl in the world."
It was said to my mom, not me, but it was said in front of me.
While this was said while his girlfriend was standing right next to him..... and, years later, we still have never gotten together (yep, The Guy said that)....... it was one of the best things ever said to/about me. 
Doesn't every girl dream about their mom being told that by a man? I mean, I always have. It wasn't quite said the way I always imagined, but almost (in a very odd, twisted way) in a better way. Because, he wasn't going to get anything out of it. And, the way he said it.... his tone, the way he was joking one second and then got really serious, the way he looked my mom in her eyes when he said it, and the way he looked at me in the eyes after and told me "Goodnight."
Everything about it made it special and important (and, yes, I spent forever mulling that one line over). I knew and I know that he meant it.
Regardless of what does or doesn't happen with us..... I will never forget him saying that.

Convos with TG

You guys may not really care (or enjoy) my Convos with TG..... However, they crack me up.

Like my text exchanges with Heidi, TG and I literally just fall into these weird banters. And, they make me laugh. Mainly because no matter what or when I text him, he will have some sort of retort.

So, without further ado...................

The One Where Jess Was Tipsy..... Even While She Was Texting

The One Where Jess Gets Worried About The Asian Children In Cirque Du Soleil

Disclaimer: I actually did wonder about the kids and was concerned that night. And, the day after. Truly, this is how my mind works. Please know that any off-color remarks about living in closets were not to be taken seriously..... or, how we feel about Asia or Asians.

Also, he never calls me Jessica. Only when he is being an absolute smartass.

The One Where Jess And TG Gossip

The One Where Jess Has An Incompetent Intern

Disclaimer: I do not plan on actually shooting my intern. Or, anyone else.

Monday Musings

Life. Life has been crazy. 

I always seem to think that after the holidays, life will slow down. But, it doesn't. January is crazy, which then leads to a crazy February.

I'm hopeful that once Radiothon is over (this week.... cross your fingers and pray), I'll have time to breathe. And, you know, blog.

But, I think I tend to think that every year, as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's official. I hate beer.

Saturday night, I went to a Craft Beer Festival. I tried lots of different beers and hated all but two (an apple beer and a pear beer).

Most of them tasted like tar and the others tasted like lighter fluid.

I gave it the old college try. But, mainly, I just managed to entertain my sister and BIL with the faces I made when I tried them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week, TG had a web chat deal. Being the supportive friend I am, I tuned in. 

Then, I texted him with my thoughts. Like, the fact that it was really frustrating to hear him and his other web chat hosts talking but not be able to talk back.... and that his choice of a white shirt made him glow like Casper the Glowing Ghost.

I saw him pick up his phone, read my texts, chuckle to himself, and then set his phone down.

Little shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I did nothing but catch up on General Hospital and watch movies.

First, I'm super excited about the return of all the GH legends. It makes me happy.

Second.....

I love that movie (Crazy, Stupid Love), but more importantly.... I love Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling in that movie.

Like, I sort of want to be Hannah..... marching into a bar, yelling at the guy, grabbing him into a kiss, and then basically changing his life. You know, being the one for which he changes his scoundrel ways.

Convos with TG: Irrational Anger Edition

Text a couple days ago at like 6am (I got up to go running and he has to be at work at 5am)......

I mean, I'm glad he's ok with the fact that I was steaming in the middle of the night over something he didn't do, right?

A Christmas Surprise.....

I mentioned that I had an unexpected visitor on Christmas.

The Guy and I have a pattern on holidays. He always texts me the day before...

"Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey. I miss you."

"You better have a Merry Christmas."

"Happy Easter..... Miss your smiley face."

You get my point. This time, he didn't. Which I found odd.

I sent him a quick text in the morning. Didn't hear anything. Again, odd.

Later that night, when things had finally calmed down, I gave him a call. It rang once and went to voicemail. I left a message and before I was done, I had a text from him. He was eating dinner with his family. I texted back that I was just calling to "voice" my Merry Christmas and that I'd talk to him later.

Then, he starts getting chatty. Wants to know how I'm doing. Good.

Wants to know if I would be working on Thursday. Nope, off this week.

At this point, I was about 99% sure that he was in town. You see, for years he has said that one day he would just show up. That I'd be working and he would just walk in when I least expected it. I, in turn, told him that he better make sure that I was there, because if he showed up and I wasn't there, he'd be in huge trouble with me.

After letting him play coy for a bit, I finally just asked....

He was visiting family about an hour away and was planning to come "home" when he could plan.

Later that night, he called, we chatted about Christmas, I yelled at him for being sneaky, and he asked me to dinner the next night.

I did end up inviting a couple of his close friends from work who are also close with me. "Mama M" was able to make it, but J wasn't. The two of us had about 30 minutes to ourselves.

I honestly have mixed feelings........ part of me was really happy that they got to see one another and the other part of me really wanted the whole time to myself. With M, the conversation was a little more on the surface than it was when it was just the two of us.

Regardless, it was awesome to see him. You all know what went down between us. And, while things have gotten so much better since "The Letter", one never knows what will happen when "texts/emails/phone calls" turns into "face to face for two hours."

It was like a day hadn't gone by, rather than three and a half years. We always had a rhythm about us. It was unspoken and just worked. It is definitely still there. Little things we used to do, we still did. Cute for instance, he used to eat off my plate and in the middle of our meal, he reached over, grabbed food off my plate, put it on mine, and went right back to eating. Didn't say a word.

We were just really comfortable.

Like I said, part of me does wish that I had the whole time to myself, but I'm thankful for the time I had. We had a really nice evening. As we were done, we were out in the parking lot. M was just gabbing away..... he wordlessly grabbed me into a hug and just stood there for a minute, snuggling, while listening to M. It was really sweet and something that was a bit out of the "norm that we used to be."

I'm not sure when I'll get to see him, again, but I do think it will be sooner than 3+ years.

Yay for Christmas miracles :)

Convos with TG

 If you've been around long enough, you know the whole situation with The Guy.

Thankfully, over the past couple of years, the friendship has come to a good place. One where we know that if something random happens (you know.... those things where you need to tell someone because it was just that bizarre), the other will appreciate it. Or, if something really good or really bad happens, the other will be there to cheer or boo right along with you.

Sometimes, we'll talk/text/email/FB chat everyday for a period of time. Then, we'll go a couple of weeks with nothing. We're both good with this.

Our texts, however, amuse me.......

On Birthdays:

This was on my actual birthday (August 25th)..........

 

Now FFed to yesterday..... His birthday is next week and since he got to move out of Minne-friggin-sota, I didn't have his new address........ 

 

On H*ney B** B**:

He *really* dislikes H*ney B** B**, so I get an intense joy out of ragging him....

On His Inability To Draw Our Home State 

(Or Anything For That Matter):