Sunday, January 24, 2010

Heart Abandoned

So, after my Random Question Sunday post, I was going to finish my recap on my trip to St Jude. It's coming, I promise (all of my pictures are uploaded into the post..... that's progress).

However, this morning at church, I had an experience that I just felt the need to write about. It kind of hit me how everything is working together, right now.

I'm guessing that it all truly started about three or four weeks ago. They introduced this new song to our Worship portion. It seems to have really hit a chord with many in our congregation and we've sung it every Sunday since.

The chorus goes....

So, I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe,
of the One who gave it all.

So, I'll stand
my soul, Lord, to You surrendered.
All I am
is Yours.

Now, I've been going to church my entire life. One thing I've always struggled with is the whole arm raising thing when singing. It's just not me. I've always told myself.

Only, it is me. I've always been highly affected by music. As a little kid, I'd dance in the aisles of Publix or WalMart to the overhead music (which drove my mom crazy). When I'm at a concert, I sing and dance and wave my arms around. When I'm in the car by myself, I sing at the top of my lungs. When I'm on the treadmill, I mouth the words and make facial expressions and kind of dance/walk.

So, I do have the ability to be physically and emotionally moved by music.

Admittedly, I do sit down at concerts and just sit quietly when I'm not into the song, lol. Or, I'll skip past a song on my IPod if I'm not feeling it, at that moment.

But, when it came to "church music" there have only been about a dozen or so songs, in my entire life, that get me excited or emotional. And raising my hands? Probably about 2 or 3.

So, they started singing this song. And, I felt really moved by it the first week.

The second week.... I did raise my hand a little and sing more loudly then usual. I then posted the first part of the chorus as my FB status (which is SO unlike me) and I looked up the lyrics to the song on the Internet.

Last week, I was in Memphis, so I didn't go.

This week.... well, this week, I had a total epiphany about the past several weeks.

See, the whole time that I've been keeping that song in the back of my mind, I've also been making these small little changes that are gradually becoming bigger.

A couple days after that first week, I did a "I've Come To Realize" Post. In that post, I admitted to myself that a really good friendship of mine had come to an end. That week, I wrote a letter to that friend basically acknowledging the change and apologizing for the part that I played in it. Sadly, I doubt that it will get much better....... mainly because that person never really knew me and can't accept that I'm not who he thought I was. I also decided that while I'll do my part to try to reinstate some friendliness between us, it probably will never be what it was.

I also started writing another letter. To "The Guy." Not really to send it.... just to write my feelings out. I kept it on my computer and just would go back to it, every couple of days. I'd change a word here or some phrasing there. Then, I let a few of my friends read it.... so, they'd have a better understanding of what I was trying to get at. They all encouraged me to send it, but I just wasn't quite ready.

Well, last week, I went to Memphis and gained some serious perspective. When I got back from the airport, there was a small group in our house.......... our house hosts the 11th and 12th grade girls' small group. Apparently, the message that morning had been about being transparent with people and not hiding yourself in order to protect yourself.

On Tuesday, I hand wrote that letter to "The Guy", put it in an envelope, addressed it, stamped it, and mailed it to Minne-friggin-sota. It laid EVERYTHING out on the table. Every thought, every feeling..... everything. 5 pages of everything.

Maybe it's overkill, but it was honest.

I've been nervous about it all week. So nervous that I posted about being nervous. Gina.... that was a really good guess.... I went way beyond asking him out, though, lol.

He should have gotten the letter by yesterday, I think.

He's been out of touch for about a week now. That's not totally unheard of, but still a bit rare. So, on top of not hearing from him, I now assume that he has the letter and has probably read it.

And, while I wasn't expecting to hear from him right away..... NOT hearing from him is making me a crazy person. Because, I've pretty much convinced myself that he doesn't feel the same way. And, I'm afraid of losing a great friendship. And, I'm scared that I've basically mailed my heart to Minne-friggin-sota and it may get mailed back to me, in pieces.

Like I said, I wasn't expecting to hear from him right away. I mean, it took me a few weeks to process that letter before I felt ready to send it. Even if he does feel the exact same way as I do, I laid out a lot more than just my feelings for him..... so, I can't expect that he'd be ready to pick up the phone right away and talk about it.

But, knowing that it was in his hands....... it's stressing me out.

On a much smaller note, I also emailed my boss regarding an issue that I've had for a while now. I was a lot more forceful than is in my nature.

Apparently, it's been a letter-writing few weeks.

Enter this morning.....

I go into church thinking it would be any other sermon.

We learned a new song. And, while it was nice, I wasn't particularly moved by it.

Then, our pastor said that he felt the need to individually pray for anyone who was dealing with pain or anything that felt bigger then themselves. Several of our pastors went up to the front and anyone that wanted/needed prayer lined up, told the pastor quietly what their need was, and then was prayed over.

Here's another thing..... I don't like going up to the altar. I'll pray in my seat.

So, I stood where I was and just sang along. But, I also started crying as I was doing it. I internally FOUGHT the urge to go up there.

Eventually, though, I did. And, I simply told the pastor available that I needed pray about worry and stress and a broken heart. And, he prayed over me. They were really sweet words that he spoke just so that I could hear.... and while I was crying (which I hate to do in front of people I don't really know), I also felt better.

So, I went back to my seat and continued to sing.

Then, they started that song.

When it came to the chorus, my arms went up high and I literally sang at the top of my lungs (to the person in front of me..... so sorry you had to deal with that).

As I was singing, it hit me......

Arms high and heart abandoned.

There really is nothing more vulnerable that that. Or, trusting.

Without pushing too hard, I think that God has been getting me to do that, lately.

I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm also cautious. And, scared. And, worried.

See, for a really long time, I've been holding on to my feelings because I was too afraid to let go. TG may have already known how I felt, but as long as I wasn't telling him, then I had the illusion of control. The fear of a bad reaction or him not feeling the same way was keeping me in this state of limbo. Even though I was praying to God that He would work it out according to His plan.

It hit me today that until I abandoned my heart and fears, there wasn't any way that God could work it out. I wasn't really giving it to Him.

Well, I'm still afraid of how it's going to work out with "The Guy." I really don't want to lose him.

However, it's completely out of my hands, now.


kjlangford said...

I think everyone deals with this! Congrats to you for being willing to put so much out there in so many ways. I am the worst about friendships and letting them go so easily, I hate doing what you did- talking about the issues when I know it's going to be difficult. But you're right about letting God be in control. Let us know how everything goes!

Gina said...

Oh my gosh. You are totally living my life about 10 or 12 years ago. I wrote a letter to my best friend telling him I was in love with him. The bad news was that he didn't feel the same way. The good news was that I survived, and so did our friendship. This was such a great post.

And thanks for the shout-out. I KNEW it had something to do with him!

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, honey, I have been there! I'm often that girl who prays in her seat and sings but rarely dances in the church aisles. But sometimes, when it hits you, and you let your guard down, and let God in, it's so wonderful. It's so beautiful. And yes, it doesn't "solve" the immediate problem at hand. But it's a cleansing, a sense of relief. Because it's in God's hand now.

Love this post and love you!

Praying for you!

Justine said...

Isn't the way God works on your heart and mind amazing?!

You are SO brave for mailing that letter!! I hope you hear back soon, I am not a very patient person,and I hate waiting!!

Praying for you, dearie!

Lil' Woman said...

I am so proud of you for writing and sending the letter. That took alot of courage and even though it is hard now (not knowing) it will be better in the long run to see where everything stands.

I hope you hear a response soon and I feel confident that God has a great plan for you!