YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!

Have you ever been so unspeakably happy for someone else's success that you just can't stand it?

Well, I am, right now.

I wish I could do a happy dance and sing from the rooftops.

Ya'll..... The Guy is getting out of Minne-friggin-sota!!!!!!

Any readers who live in and/or love that state.... please do not take offense. Us Floridians just think of it as the closest thing you can get to the North Pole.

Anyway.....

Over the past 4+ months, he has been trying hard to find a new job. A couple of really close calls had me biting my fingernails for weeks. WEEKS.

This past month, things looked promising, but I told him I wasn't going to get excited for him until he signed on the dotted line.

Today, it's a done deal!

He is out of Minne-friggin-sota!!!!!

I won't say where exactly, but he'll be south of the Mason-Dixon Line (thank you, Baby Jesus) and he will be a LOT closer to home.

He will be making a LOT more money and have a LOT more opportunity.

Honestly? I'm just glad he will be somewhere more similar to what he's used to and closer to the people that he loves and love him back. I'm sure MN is a great place, but it wasn't great for him.

I am hoping that this will at least give him a better chance of getting to come home for visits, but I'm not holding my breath that it will be anytime soon.

Mainly, I'm hoping that he won't feel like a prisoner to a place so foreign to him.

All that to say.......... I'm proud. It isn't my success and it's not my reward, but it feels like it. It doesn't even affect me in any way, really. My everyday life isn't going to change, in the slightest, by this new development.

But, I'm still really, really happy for him.

In with a New Year....

I hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year!!!

Myself? I spent my evening at home, celebrating my brother's 19th birthday (it's kind of sweet that his friends like us enough to spend NYE with us) and playing with my new BFF, Siri.

Oh, and I spent a couple hours texting my awesome twin Marianne. Which was great, because not only has it been forever, but it was probably one of the funniest conversations known to man.

Anywhoodle.........

So far in 2012, I've read over 100 pages of the third book in The Hunger Games (um, I read the entire second book on Friday. Can we say addicted?), drank two cups of coffee w/ creamer, logged my points for the two cups of coffee w/ creamer (*sigh* Hi, WW), watched church online (according to my pastor, I'm still good people for watching online, but the super people were actually there in person), and spent 45 mins IMing (yes, IMing) with TG (yes, TG) after he started it (*sigh*.... you'll be proud of me for being the one to finally end the conversation).

So, what else do I have planned for the brand-spanking new 2012?

My immediate plans include finishing my book, heading to the mall in hopes of finding the planner I want that can't be found on my side of town, and potentially tiding up.

Then, I'll look onto bigger things.......

My annual trip to St. Jude :)

Recapping the last quarter of 2011 and letting you in on the first quarter of 2012 as it happens. I want to get back into a blogging groove.

Keeping up with my birthday goals.

Couch to 5K. I started it last Fall...... faltered..... slightly picked it back up..... then dropped it completely. Well, Siri and I have other plans for this year. My C25K app is installed. I have new running shoes purchased with my Kohls cash and some Christmas money. I'm ready. This needs to be the year of not walking, jogging, whining about it, RUNNING. You hear me? I will run. I will. No, really, I will.

Beyond that, I'm not really sure where 2012 will take me. There are all these FB statuses about how 2012 feels like "the best year YET." And, while I admire the optimism, I don't really share it. I mean, I'm not hoping for a bad year. I just don't know where it will lead. At all, really.

And, for the first time in my life, I'm perfectly ok with that.

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!!

She Strikes Again.........

So, does anyone remember last year when my slightly crazy coworker "A" randomly told me that she had a feeling that The Guy was coming back and I should be ready for it? (Read #3)

Well, don't get too excited. He's not back.

However, she's back at it.

So, yesterday at a meeting, she brought him up. She was complimenting him on something he did forever ago and saying she wished he was still here. Our manager was all surprised and impressed.

I, of course, texted him to tell him about the props. He was pleased. That was all of that conversation.

Today, I said, "Hey, A. I told TG about your little props in the meeting yesterday. He thought it was really nice and said to say thanks."

She was like, "Awwwww. That's so nice. I'm glad you told him. I was serious...... I do wish he'd come back. When do you think he will?"

Me - "Haha.... probably never."

A - "Really? He likes it up there?"

Me - "Oh, no. He hates it up there. He's just biding his time until he can find a place he DOES like."

A - "No. He's growing up. He's trying to figure out what is important in life. And, then, honey, he's coming after you."

Me - "Haha..... I don't think so."

A - "You don't? Because, I do. I just wonder how long it's going to take for him to come and sweep you off your feet."

Ok.......... keep in mind......... I. don't. talk. to. her. about. this. subject.

Other than the conversation we had a year ago, I don't even speak his name to her.

Sure, every now and again, we'll have a "Men Are Stupid" chat (usually about other men), but I don't talk to her about him. At all.

So, this time, I did what I didn't do last year............

Me - "What? Is it like tattooed across my forehead or something?"

A - "Eh, kind of."

Me - "Really? Am I that obvious?"

A - "Not you. Both of you. Not obvious. I can just tell. I've studied you, honeychild ----- yes, she says that word ----- and I can just tell. It's more your faked disinterest that tells the tale."

Me - "How long have you known?"

A - "Since the first time I saw the two of you together. I don't know how anyone could look at the two of you and not know that you two felt something for one another." ---- Yes, she said that.

Me - "Are you kidding me right now?"

A - "No. I'm telling you. He cares about you in a way that he's never felt before. And, it scares him. So, he's running. He'll wake up."

Me - "A, you're not really helping me right now. I'm trying to move on."

A - "You're not going to move on. You can try, but you're not going to move on."

Me - "No, but seriously. I need to move on."

A - "Says who?"

Me - "General society."

A - "They're wrong."

Me - "Look, he can feel all the things in the world, but if he never goes for it, I'm going to waste my life waiting on a man who refuses to love me back."

A - "He already loves you back. You've never told me how you felt and I knew it. I'm telling you that I know the same is true for him. If you two are supposed to be together, why would you waste your life with a replacement?"

Me - "A, you are REALLY not helping my cause, right now."

A - "Because I'm telling you all the things that you're too afraid to hear. All the things that you've quieted inside your head for so long. Trust me. It will happen. I feel it in my gut. And, while you walk down the aisle to marry that man, you'll look at me and know that I was right."

There was more to the conversation. A lot more. Mainly her telling me how scared I am. How scared he is. How we're both being stupid. How he's putting up walls. How I'm putting up walls.

The above were the main points. The points that were slightly seared into my brain. That kind of left me feeling like I was in the twilight zone.

Honestly, I'm still shaking my head over it.

I wish I had it on tape, so I could play the whole thing for ya'll.

Proving her correct, I don't really buy all of that. But, like it did a year ago, it made me feel like I wasn't delusional the whole time, lol. She was pretty adamant that HE was just as much a culprit in the "those two have something" vibes as I was.

Seriously. It kind of freaked me out. How WEIRD is that?

500th Post: A Mish-Mash

This is my 500th Post. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason I haven't posted in three weeks is because I had 500th Post Anxiety.

What to write about? Should I do a giveaway? Should it be super special?

Seriously, I worried about this. Then, I decided not to care.

So, I'm doing a really, really long bit of a mish-mash...... kind of a "What has Jess been up to in the past 3 weeks?" ...............

One of my close friends just got engaged, tonight. She even called me before she posted it on Facebook, which tells you how close we are, lol. I'm SO, SO, SO, SO happy for her. And, a little bit sad for myself.

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Speaking of my non-existent love life........ things with TG are literally back to where they were before the letter. We've had two super long phone calls in the past several weeks. We text, email, and FB chat. He tells me stuff I'm pretty sure he's not telling anyone else.

Still a bit confused.

A lot better, emotionally, though. When he wants me around, I'm around. When he doesn't, I leave him alone. And, other than times like tonight when I'm feeling sorry for myself while still being happy for my friend, I'm actually pretty fine with the way things are. I wish they were different, but they aren't and I'm kind of just used to it. I might go more in detail later, but for now.....

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More about my non-existent love life....... Fun Distraction and I are back on our merry-go-round. I doubt anything will actually ever happen, but we like the dance, apparently.

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My brother is finished with his high school classes. He just has to go on his Senior Trip and then Graduate.

This. Is. INSANE. To. Me.

How did he get so old?

How did I get so old?

He and my step-sister are getting ready to go off to college.

How in the world is all of this happening?

Last night, we went to a baseball game with a group of my coworkers and I wore a hat for about 5 seconds.......

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When I have children, I want them to be as cute as this. Mmmmkay? Thanks.

Yes, those are my gym shoes.....

Yep, my shoes, again, lol......

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Good news!

I tried on my bridesmaid dress last night, for the first time since I started WW.

I can breath, now. Whew!

I still have a month to try to make it so it's not so snug.

But, the breathing part is a huge relief.

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Speaking of WW, I've lost 7lbs. A little slow, but it's coming off.

When I got measured a week ago Friday, I'd lost several inches in various places.

As long as it's coming off, I'm good.

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Also, speaking of WW.....

For the first time in my life, I can fit into Victoria's Secret bras.

Talk about a Non-Scale Victory.

Not a Wallet Victory, mind you.

I need a strapless bra for the bridesmaid dress. I was telling a friend, who works PT at VS and she convinced me to go in there while she was on shift.

I was also convinced I wouldn't fit into anything.

I was wrong and walked out with 3 bras.

Not a strapless one, but 3 bras.

I'm still pretty sure I wouldn't be able to fit into the majority of the things they sell, but at least I was able to buy something other than their body spray and lotion.

Buying the 3 bras (and still needing a strapless) convinced me to go serious bra-shopping.

I ended up buying 8 more this weekend. I got an absolute steal for them, though. Most should allow for a little more weight loss and a couple are more for when these newer ones are too big.

And, even though I feel slightly guilty about buying 11 bras and spending too much money in my opinion (even with the steal), I try to remind myself that I'm due.

Because it had been a LONG time.

As in, a really, really long time.

No really.

Like 4 years (hides head in shame).

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My cousin's husband (and by extension, also my cousin) Mike was in town this past week. He was on a work training.

They have been married 9 years (1/3 of my life.... more insanity), this past week. It took us nine years to get him to Florida and now, he's been twice in three months.

It was so good to see him!! We went out to dinner in Orlando, one night, and another night he came over and we grilled steaks.

I can't wait until they're all here, permanently.

I need to finish recapping their visit.

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I am supposed to go on a cruise, this upcoming weekend.

However, I may not get to go.

To be continued.

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And, last, but not least............

the q's.

1. what's your favorite rainy day activity?

Reading a good book...... curling up on the couch and watching a movie..... going to the movies.

2. what time do you go to bed?

Usually between 11 and 12.

I'm a night-owl.

3. how many magazines do you subscribe to?

Zero.

4. did you sell all your belongings because you thought the world was ending yesterday?

Nope, I bought a bunch of bras.

5. what's your beauty obssesion?

It's beginning to be eyeliner and mascara.

6. if you could only wear one designer/brand for the rest of your life...what would it be?

I don't know. Ask me in about 20 lbs, lol.

7. what's your summer must have?

Flip-flops..... Panera's Strawberry Poppyseed with Chicken Salad..... Watermelon...... So You Think You Can Dance....... Big Brother

8. do you make weekly dinner menus?

I do not.

Words....... with Friends

If you've never heard of this IPhone or Droid game, you've been living under a rock in a cave during a hurricane.

If you've never played this game, you just have a lame phone.

I, friends, have a lame phone.

Well, actually, I like my phone quite a bit. Despite my like for my phone, I'm almost due for an upgrade..... and my battery isn't lasting like it should.

In preparing for my upcoming upgrade, I've seriously been pondering what to get. Should I just keep with the EnV style that I've loved for FOUR years now? Or, should I join the SmartPhone masses? The rest of my family has IPhones (if you read the linked post, yes, two years later my family still goes through phones like underwear). What to do, what to do? Phones and DayPlanners are very important decisions for me.

Then, the other night, I got a text from The Guy. (I probably should update ya'll on him.) He wanted to play WWF.

Only, I don't have an appropriate phone for WWF.

Crap.

Wait! Momma does!

So, I hijacked my mother's phone, downloaded the free version, and then was up until almost 12:30 am playing WWF with the man. We actually have two games going.

I then invited a coworker to start a game.

Only, these games aren't on MY phone. So, they're the slowest games known to man.

One thing, for sure, has been decided.

I NEED to get a phone that is compatible with this game.

IPhone or Droid?

What are your thoughts?

Because this amused me.............

So, do you remember Non-NYE Date?

Let me give you a little more background.

When we first met, he had just gotten married. I became fast friends with both he and his wife....... they were a fun couple. In fact, I was one of the few women with whim his wife didn't mind him being friends.

He's a very flirty type, period. With everyone. However, I always thought of him as an older brother or uncle type. Due to our jobs, we spent a lot of time together and he really did become a good friend.

He'd always say complimentary things like, "Oh, you're going to make a great wife one day." or "Some guy would be really lucky to end up with you."

Then, he would add on slightly flirty things........ "If I weren't married and were a bit younger, I'd totally be going after you." or just plain "If I weren't married, I'd totally be going after you."

I always tried to laugh it off and make it clear that it wasn't going to happen. Even though, we were "just joking" I didn't want any confusion.

Then about 2 years later, he left his wife and they filed for divorce. He directly went into another relationship, but we stayed friends (I was friends with the new one, too....... before they even got together). When he told me he was leaving her, he "jokingly" asked, "So, now that I'm single, do you wanna go out?" I honestly told him no...... even though he was being light-hearted about it..... and gently made it clear that I didn't think I'd ever be interested in that way.

On the day his divorce was final, he "jokingly" asked, "I'm officially single...... does this mean you want me?" while a couple other people were around. I told him to shut up, lol.

I also let him in on the fact that I had serious feelings for someone else. Eventually, he found out it was The Guy. He didn't like TG before this revelation (sidenote: To NNYE, TG represents everything he wants to be and have, but doesn't) and liked him even less after. Regardless, he was in a relationship and we were friends, so he was as supportive as possible.

Enter August 2009......... his relationship crashed and burned, in a nasty way. A couple weeks later, TG announced that he was moving. I, being devastated, was crying to NNYE about the whole situation when he made a comment that I thought was referring to his most recent ex.

"I didn't mean her. I meant you."

Oh, crap.

He then went on to explain what we both already figured............ even though he was always "joking," he's always had a thing for me. "And, even though I'm not saying this because I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me, it really sucks to know that you're this torn up over him. It sucks to know that I'm not younger or more charming or less divorced....... that everything you love about him is everything I'm not. Again, I'm not saying this so you won't talk to me about him, but it sucks that you're sitting here crying over him when he doesn't give a crap about you. To me, you're everything and to him, you don't mean anything."

That, my friends, was the LAST time I ever talked about TG to him. Our friendship started to change, pretty quickly.

Within a couple months, he was living with someone else. I was going through the rollercoaster of emotion over TG.

At one point, about this time last year, we had it out. Over several things, really, but the underlying problem was that I didn't fall into his arms simply because TG wasn't there. He was pretty mean and nasty about a lot of things, but he made sure to get some digs in about TG, too.

Since then, we're more of acquaintances than friends. Honestly, I've been fine with that. It's better that way, for everyone.

FFed to early December. We were at a function and he randomly asks me if I'm still hung up on TG. Remember, we haven't talked about TG in over a year. I gave a generic answer about moving on and he responded, "Good."

A week later, I find out that he and his girlfriend (with whom he'd been living) had broken up.

A couple weeks after that, he asks me out for NYE. I turn him down.

A week or so later, he asks me out again. I turn him down.

Yet, a week later, he texts me about some dream he had about me. I do not ask for details.

Later in that same week, he tries to brush off the whole dream thing. I ignore him.

Yesterday, he tells me that he's back with the girlfriend.

I laugh.

Ladies (and possible gentlemen)............. Let's cross our fingers and pray that he's finally gotten it.

On "being a girl".....

So, a couple days ago, my friend M and I were FB chatting. She met this guy and hung out with him a little, over the weekend. She really liked spending time with him and was hoping their talks of hanging out THIS weekend would come to fruition.

Only, he was "being weird" and she wasn't sure if it was going to happen. I told her to chill and not worry about it. Go about her business and let him come to her.

FFed to today when I chat her up, again, to see how things were going.

Want to guess what happened?

I'm sure you can.

In a moment of freaking out, with no one to talk her down, she texted him. Checking to see if everything was kosher. He took it that she was psycho. And, now she's depressed because she messed something up that potentially had potential.

Then, I spent time trying to encourage her that she's not psycho..... she's just a girl........ while also cautioning her against the whole "texting your girly crazy thoughts to a male......... talk it out with another female" routine.

I suggested that if he freaks out over her "being a girl" then he's probably not right for her.

I also tried to get her to stop trying to figure everything out....... because it's hard enough to figure a guy out when you know him REALLY well. Trying to figure out a male that you barely know is just pointless.

And, despite my craziness about TG (on here and in general society), at least I know him. Like the back of my hand......... or, as much as you can know a man like the back of your hand. I don't even bother with men I don't know.

Back to M..............

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we let guys drive us to craziness?

I told her.......... "Look, just try to relax. And, in my opinion, you should never let a man see the crazy at full-force. That's why your girlfriends are there. That's why I talk it out with you and others....... so, I'm not calling up MN with all my crazy."

I almost suggested that she start a blog.

Because, as you all know, it's a great place to get out the crazy.

Which is why I'm thanking you all. For reading. For commenting. For texting. For calling.

If it weren't for you ladies and your awesomeness, I'd be all girly-psycho to a poor shlub that relocated to Minne-friggin-sota.

Because, I promise, with the exception of "The Letter", I'm actually the picture of calm, cool, and collected to the male species. Almost too much, but that's another post, entirely.

"Stop Thinking About Men"

..... That was my goal. More specifically.............

6) Stop thinking about men - That's right. I'm swearing off men for the rest of the year. As in, I'm done trying to flirt or "hang out" or over-analyzing every word, text, FB chat, etc, etc, etc. I'm done posting about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other guy that comes my way. I'm done talking about them. I'm done whining about being single. Done, done, done. For the rest of 2010, I'm embracing the single and putting all thoughts/actions regarding the opposite sex out of my head. This may mean that on January 1st, you'll be getting a 50,000 word post about all of the above...... so, enjoy the two and a half month break :).

So, how did I do?

When I made the concentrated effort, I immediately went to a few of my closest friends with my declaration and made them promise to keep me accountable. If I went to them talking about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other man, they were to tell me, "Plan, Jessica!!! The Plan!!!" If I started whining about being single, they were to tell me, "Plan, Jessica!! The Plan!!"

Overall, I did well. Not 100%, 100% of the time, but pretty darn good!!

Let's do a quick update on the major players.............

Fun Distraction - No longer confuses me, at all, lol. He was the easiest to stop stressing over......... which tells me that I wasn't as into it as I sometimes thought. We still flirt (when he initiates, I reciprocate) for the fun of it, but we're so not meant to be together and both of us seem to know it. The flirting is fun, but that's about it. I flirt and let him flirt, but I don't think twice about motives or whether it will go any further, which is nice.

The Guy - Still confuses me, on occasion. He pops in and out of the picture. For the past week, he's been in..... and, playing it up pretty big over the past few days. Ask Marianne or Gina or my cousin Heidi or my best friend Meg.......... he's a puzzle and still likes to mix those darned signals. That said, I'm handling it a lot better. Recovery/confusion time is less and less. I love the man (and probably always will). It's that simple. But, I'm definitely moving forward, which is good. In fact, one of my friends recently mentioned that I "seem a lot lighter..... overall aura is just happier and carefree."

Other progressions.............

Younger Crush - That's right. I managed to develop a crush over the past couple months :) He is a few years younger (totally not me). He's also not going to happen for various reasons, but that's ok. It was super fun to have a crush on someone new...... fun to giggle..... fun to get butterflies...... fun to find that I could have a connection with someone else. The best part is that I had all of that without it going so far that I was sad when it became clear that it's not in cards, for us. I miss all the fun, but I'm not sad about it.

Non NYE Date - So, I got asked out for NYE. By a guy who I've known for a little over 4 years. We used to be really close friends, but that friendship has subsided over the past year. One of the reasons is that he has feelings for me and can't keep the line un-blurred........... at one point, he was being pretty nasty about my feelings for TG and non-feelings for him. Anyway, he's asked me several times over the past few years about my feelings for him and I've told him all those times that I don't feel the same way. I'm simply not interested. I've always tried to be nice about it, because I'd hate for someone to be mean to me over feelings I have, but I've always been clear and firm. Not interested. I thought we were over the attempts to make us something we're not................... then, I got some texts on Wednesday. Asking me out on NYE. Sigh. I declined as politely as possible. Then, I got a big smile on my face.

Because, as annoyed and distressed as I was over the weirdness, I was also proud of myself. This may sound horrible, but it hit me that I wasn't as desperate as I sometimes think I am, lol. I don't want to sound mean......... because, again, I don't want to be treated that way. I'm sure it took some courage to ask. However, I got the choice to not go. Instead, I CHOSE to go Putt-Putt Golfing in Orlando with my parents, siblings, and my siblings' 18 year old friends. Then, we went for burgers....... came home..... ate birthday cake....... and rung in the New Year on my couch with cheesy party decorations, lol.

I could have gone out and had a date on NYE. But, I chose differently. Because, I *know* I don't want to be with this person. Not only do I not want to be with him..... I shouldn't be with him. He's not the one for me. I feel like God gave me a choice........... Here, you can have a relationship right now. You say you want one, so you can have one. Or, you can wait for MY perfect timing with the person I have picked for you.

Honestly, it wasn't that difficult of a choice. Had I been presented with someone else, I may not have chosen so easily, lol. Still, I feel like I discovered something really important about myself........... I'm not settling. Period.

Now, I'm not as excited about having to see Mr. Non-Date, on Monday. Most likely, he'll be hurt and/or embarrassed. Hurt/Embarrassed = Bitter = Mean/Nasty with him.

So, overall........... I think I did pretty well. I can't say I went the whole 2 1/2 months without over-analyzing or stressing. But, I did a lot less of it than normal and am getting better and better about it.

Go me!!

Friday Questions

I'm so exhausted. More on that later........................

Mama M's 5QF.....

1. What's on the top of your holiday wish list and why?!

I don't really have anything on my wish list, this year! I mean, there are things I'd like, but I can't say there is anything I'm just dying to receive.

Mainly, I would just like to spend time with my friends and family....... especially the ones I don't see often.

2. What is your favorite Christmas gift from the past?

I remember when I was like 3 or 4, I got a Barbie Mansion with a pull-string elevator. That was so awesome, lol.

Also, my step-dad Mike would always get me something electronic.... a TV for my room, a sewing machine, a new cellphone, etc. The last Christmas before he died, he got me a DVD recorder. Confession..... I've never used it. He would always hook up whatever he got me. That last year, he got too sick too fast to have time to do it and he died in March. It just made me too sad to do it myself or have someone else do it.

Last Christmas, I got a one-hour phone call from a certain someone. That was the best part of my day.

3. If you had life to do over, what would you be when you grow up?

I'd get skinnier faster and audition to be a Rockette. Or, to be on a soap opera.

Other than that, I'd probably do the same thing I'm doing now.

4. When do you put up your tree?

As soon after Thanksgiving as possible. Tree went up on Saturday, this year. Lights just went on tonight. Hopefully, ornaments will be sometime this weekend.

I may or may not have a small tabletop tree in my room that stays up all year long. Allegedly.

5. What is your favorite Holiday?

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Then, Thanksgiving.

Then, my birthday (which is clearly a holiday).

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Fill in the Blanks Friday

1. Holiday spirit makes me SO happy. I love it! Even this week, when I've been in the dolldrums, I've been working up as much Christmas cheer as possible.

2. The holidays are incomplete without a full viewing of all my favorite Christmas movies, at least one White Peppermint Mocha Frap from Starbucks, driving around to look at lights, and the Christmas Eve service at church.

3. My favorite things to do around the holidays is all of the above, plus I love to go to all the Disney parks and as many resorts as possible. Disney goes all out for Christmas and I love heading out there to see it!

4. A holiday tradition my family and I have is going to eat dinner at Chili's on Christmas Eve (after the service). It's a long story of how that got started, but we do it and love it. Also, we make it a point to make a night out of going to ICE! at Gaylord Palms. We do all the normal ones, too, but those are two slightly unique traditions.

5. Holiday music is AWESOME!!! I adore it. Starting on Black Friday, I almost exclusively listen to this one station that plays only Christmas music until Christmas. It isn't one of my stations, but it just makes me happy!! I get so sad when it goes back to regular music.

6. This year, I'll be spending the holidays at home. This will be the last Christmas with everyone living at home, so I'm looking forward to enjoying it to the fullest.

7. Holiday wish list ...... as I said above, I don't really know. I mean, there are things I really, really want, but aren't realistic. So, they don't count.

Speak Now

Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm officially addicted to Taylor Swift's new album.

Let's go back, shall we?

From the beginning, I loved Fearless. With the exception of two songs (Forever and Always and Change), I love that album. Taylor gets some flack for being too young-sounding, but I like to think she's more whimsical than immature. In fact, her lyrics are anything but immature. Sure, she talks about first dates and high school in those songs..... she was that age when she wrote the songs. However, she has a very mature way of recognizing and expressing those emotions. Plus, no matter how old I get, I don't ever want to lose the butterflies........ the dancing in the rain in my best dress feeling.

In the past two years, I've probably listened to that CD about 500 times. I never get tired of it.

Fast-forward to the upcoming release of a new album. Color me nervous. I knew, as a fan and as someone in the industry, that this new music would need to be a little more grown-up. When Mine was put out as the new single, I became even more nervous. I mean, it's a cute song and she's talking about college-type stuff instead of high school, but it sounded too much like the other stuff.

Apparently, I had no reason to worry. I adore this album.

It's interesting because the things I LOVE about the Fearless album are what I'm glad she didn't do with this one. This one isn't as bubblegum...... again, I liked that about Fearless, You Belong With Me, Hey Stephen, Best Day, etc. There are a couple songs leaning that way, but not as many. It sounds a little more mature..... 18 yr old vs 20 yr old, lol.

"Sound" aside, the words and meaning behind the songs are incredible, in my opinion. Overall, the album is about everything you've wished you said, but didn't. Either because you weren't quick enough or were too scared or didn't have the right words.

In her words (expanded in the album cover.... get it.... read it)............

'Speak now or forever hold your peace,' the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by. So many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you.' When we should've said 'I'm sorry.' When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

These songs are made up of words I didn't say when the moment was right in front of me. These songs are open letters. Each is written with a specific person in mind, telling them what I meant to tell them in person. To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December. To my first love who I never thought would be my first heartbreak. To my band. To a mean man I used to be afraid of. To someone who made my world very dark for a while. To a girl who stole something of mine. To someone I forgive for what he said in front of the whole world.

- Taylor Swift



 

If you go to her website, she has given the story behind every song. I love that.

 

I've listened to Speak Now no less than 2 dozen times in the past week. In my car, at my desk, on my iPod. I'm obsessed.

 

I fully *heart* every song. Here are a few of my thoughts on some of them.....

 

Mine - It's a sweet song. I hope that at some point I'll have the chance to tell someone that..... "You're the best thing that's ever been mine."

 

Sparks Fly - "I see sparks fly every time you smile." Something about those guys that you're not supposed to want, but still do.

 

Speak Now - This one is definitely one of the more whimsical songs, but I love it. Sometimes I've felt like I'm the girl who is "not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on white veil occasions." but yet I've been the girl who tells a guy that he deserves more than what he's settling for. Not at a wedding, but still, lol.

 

Never Grow Up - This song makes me cry. I'm not a mom, but I still want to protect my little ones. I want Lydia to always be the little girl who is heartbroken when Elmo is over or is thrilled when she sees Kermit the Frog's picture at MGM or will run around a courtyard chasing bubbles. I want David to giggle over the word "Knucks." I want Emma and Abby to always want me to play Tea Party with them..... who will run and throw themselves in my arms when they see me. I want Evan to always find science fascinating. I want Bella, Anthony, and Noah to always be excited when they get to see their "Aunt Jessica." I miss Haigen and wish he were still here to take care of the fish. I hope the next time I see him, he'll still want to eat dinner in the castle at Disney World and watch the Electrical Light Parade. I miss how sweet Kay-Leigh was when I took her to eat dinner with Cinderella on her birthday. I cry when I think about my brother graduating high school in a few short months. I think about my life and the various phases in it...... and, how sometimes I just wish time would stand still.

 

Enchanted - I may be breaking my pact with this one, but it describes perfectly how I felt when I first met "The Guy." I'll leave it at that.

 

Innocent - I like the theme of redemption in this one. How no matter how old you get or what mistakes you've made, there is still the chance to be innocent. You can still look at the world, see the good, and choose to focus on it.

 

Last Kiss - Again, I might be breaking my pact, but the line "I don't know how to be something you'll miss." kills me every time.

 

If you've noticed, I am highly affected by music, lol. Always have been. Clearly, I went into the right industry for me, lol.

 

If anyone makes it to the end of this......... I applaud you, lol. Have you listened? What are your thoughts?

Working On Me: 400th Post

400 posts. Wow. That's a lot.

In my next post there will be some info on a giveaway that I'm doing, but first..............

Since I started this blog, I've posted goals for myself to try to achieve before the next birthday. This year is no exception. However, I have some other goals for the more recent future.

I'm working on me. Just everything about me. It's no secret that I need to move forward in my life. I've made progress, but need to step it up. It's also no secret that I'm tired of being single. Well, I'm obviously single for a reason, so I'm going to use this time to get me together.

See, everyone tells you, "Enjoy it! You're footloose and fancy-free. You don't have anyone to answer to! You'll see once you're in a serious relationship just how much you'll miss parts of your single days."

I'm sure all of that is true. I'm sure the grass is greener on the other side.

But, I'll remind you of a few disadvantages of being single..........

1) You actually do answer to someone. - Several someones, actually. All of YOUR boyfriends, fiances, husbands, and kids, to be exact. When you literally only have ONE single girlfriend that lives nearby, you have to plan your get-togethers around what everyone else has going on. Yeah, I can get up and go to Disney World on a whim, without asking anyone else's opinion or plans. However, Disney World isn't all that much fun by yourself, people.

2) You have to endure the constant "does he like me" question. - Have I mentioned how much I hate dating? Or the whole flirting game? I like flirting with someone that I know likes me back. I like spending time with someone that I know wants to spend time with me. I hate all the trying to figure it out.

3) When you go solo, you're actually solo. - When you have a regular partner, it's ok to go places by yourself. Because you're not really the single one..... your plus one just couldn't make it. To be really single at events, kind of sucks.

Admittedly, I've been in a bit of a funk, lately. I'm just super tired of the uncertainty and loneliness. I've been working on a lot of things.... and making great progress.... but, there's been this overwhelming feeling that trails it. I need to focus.

So, I'm drafting a plan........ a "Jessica Is Moving Forward" plan........ that I hope to accomplish before the end of the year.

1) Complete the Couch 2 5K program - I'm on Week 2 and have to repeat the week because I only got two days done this week. I want to keep it up and complete it before Christmas.

2) Keep losing weight - If I do #1, this should happen, by extension. I'm on the right track, I need to stay on it.

3) Reorganize - my office (you saw it.... it's way better than it was, but not where it should be), my car, my room, my closet, my draft folder for my blog. I need to get rid of the clutter.

4) Be ok doing things alone - I'm pretty independent, but definitely don't like doing certain things by myself. For instance, if a friend cancels out on going to dinner or a movie, I'll just stay home. Well, I am done with that. This weekend, I got stood up on some movie plans...... for the second weekend in a row (by different people). Last weekend, I just stayed home. This weekend, I went to the movie, anyway. Then, I went to see ANOTHER movie by myself. It's not my favorite way to see a movie, but it works and I felt pretty good about myself, afterwards. In the next 2 1/2 months, I need to take opportunities to do things completely by myself that I normally would only do if I had friends with me.

5) Volunteer at church - Over the past couple of weeks, some volunteer opportunities have come up that would be perfect for me. To be honest, I've been resisting because I'm afraid of the time commitment. Well, I'm done with that. One opportunity passed me by and I felt guilty about it. A second opportunity has come up that I'm looking into before jumping in. A third opportunity is something I've done for the past three years and really only requires a few evenings in November, from me. A fourth opportunity is linked to the third opportunity...... it's an event our church does for the community and has grown into something huge. I've shyed away from actually volunteering for the event because it's the first two weekends in December and that's an INSANE time, at work. They started asking for volunteers, this morning. Over the two weekends, they need about 550 people helping out. I decided this morning that I will commit to one of those weekends..... work can just deal with it.

6) Stop thinking about men - That's right. I'm swearing off men for the rest of the year. As in, I'm done trying to flirt or "hang out" or over-analyzing every word, text, FB chat, etc, etc, etc. I'm done posting about The Guy or Fun Distraction or any other guy that comes my way. I'm done talking about them. I'm done whining about being single. Done, done, done. For the rest of 2010, I'm embracing the single and putting all thoughts/actions regarding the opposite sex out of my head. This may mean that on January 1st, you'll be getting a 50,000 word post about all of the above...... so, enjoy the two and a half month break :).

There you go. There's my plan.

I'm telling you all about it, so that I can be accountible. It may seem cheesy or over-dramatic, but hopefully, writing it down will help. I'm putting my focus on other things.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3

Day 3 - Your first love

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you've read about "The Guy." And, you're probably tired of reading about him. However, I didn't write the subjects for this Blog Challenge, so just bear with me.

He's it.

There was a guy that I cared a lot about in high school, but that obviously didn't work out. He was one of my best friends and I still care about him, even though we haven't seen or spoken to one another in over 5 years. The last time I saw him was at the movies with his now-wife. They're cute together and absolutely perfect for one another.

That guy was definitely my high school love. I can't say it was a "school girl crush" because it went deeper than that, but it wasn't what I feel for TG.

Anyway, for anyone just coming into the fray.........

My first love is a guy that is called (on this blog) "The Guy."

Four and a half years ago, he literally walked into the room I was in and I thought to myself, "Uh-oh.... I may be in trouble with this one." and I was right.

He's annoying, he's frustrating, he's confusing, he's hysterical, he's ADD, he's caring, and he knows me without even trying.

He loves ketchup to an absurd degree and laughs when I try not to throw up while sitting across the table. He hates The Notebook and will argue with me for hours that it's not one of the greatest movies/love stories ever. He does a mad rendition of "Bust A Move." He thinks my fear of rats is one of the funniest things ever and knows exactly how to get me started about them. He sent out Christmas cards for the very first time in his life, last year, and was so happy that I was proud of him for the effort. He likes being the alpha male, but can't make a decision on where to eat and wants me to decide.

He's "Tigger" as I call him..........

He has a smile (and fear of commitment) like George Clooney. He likes this comparison about as much as he likes the Tigger comparison, lol..........

And, due to a lot of circumstances, he's not really in my life, anymore.

Moreso than he was a few months ago, but not like he was a year ago.

I'm working on it.

The one where I brag about my awesome gift-giving skills.....

Mom, if you're reading this..... STOP.

I mean it! Press that little "X" on the top right-hand corner.

Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Do you hear me?

Leave, immediately.

So, my Mommy is about to turn the big 5-0, at the end of October. It's so crazy to me.

In the 27 out of 50 years that I've known her, she has taught me a love of gifts. Not necessarily of "things" but of gifts and gift-giving. She's really good at it.

I like to think I'm as good, if not better.

No doubt, one of my major love-languages is gifts. The thought that goes into them means a lot to me, whether getting or giving.

Big note.......... a gift doesn't have to be expensive or cost you anything, at all.

I love it when I get someone something that I *KNOW* they are going to love. I can barely contain myself, just waiting for the time for them to open it. However, I never spill the beans before it's time.

Some of my personal favorites............

~ For Christmas, last year, I bought my step-sister tickets to see Wicked. We both desperately wanted to see it for years and she almost screamed when she saw the tickets on Christmas Day.

~ For Mother's Day, I bought my mom some really important pictures that led her to the straight-up ugly sob when she saw them. Pretty sure that I'll never be able to top that, barring giving her a grandchild on her birthday, Christmas, or Mother's Day.

~ A few Christmases ago, The Guy had to give up his beloved car. It was a really, really nice...... really, really expensive...... really, really impressive car. I'm pretty sure he loved that thing more than anything on the fact of the planet. He was extremely bummed about it. So, I went out and looked for a Matchbox car just like it.... just so he could say he still owned one, lol. It took me 3 stores, but I finally found it. That $1 car put the biggest smile on his face, lol. It stayed on his desk for almost two years, until he moved. As he was cleaning out his things and giving away little momentos, I asked him what he was going to do with the car.... "I'm taking it with me."

~ My friend Meg is due with her second baby, next month. When I did my Vera Bradley giveaway, she actually entered. One of the ways to get an entry was to tell me what your dream Vera item would be. Meg commented that she'd love a Baby Bag in Bali Blue. It got me thinking. Wanna take a guess what was in her gift bag, during her shower?

Meg was soooo excited and I was so happy she liked it!!!

Which brings me back to Momma's big birthday.

I know I won't be able to outdo Mother's Day.

However, I believe I've come as close as humanly possible (without giving birth). It's going to be epic. I'm literally about to pee myself with excitement and don't know how I'm going to stand the next month.

And, because there's no way for me to be sure that she'll not see this, I'm afraid I can't tell you what it is. You better believe I will spill as soon as October 29th rolls around, though.

But, really, this gift ROCKS. I cannot wait to give it to her!!!!

Monday Minute and WWB

1 - Who is your favorite childhood superhero?


Batman. I love the movies (the silly 80s/90s ones and the newer/darker ones). I just think it's awesome that he doesn't actually have any super powers...... just a lot of money, determination, and cool gadgets.


2 - List something you have done for pure shock value.

I don't think I have done anything for the pure shock value, lol.

Sometimes, I'll cuss just to cuss and that's enough of a shock for anyone. Or, I'll say something dirty and that usually shocks the person.



3 - What is the most recent thing someone has said/done to you that left you picking your jaw up off of the floor.

Settle in..........

So, a couple weeks ago (August 27th, to be exact), one of my coworkers came into my office, begging to raid my snack stash. We are friendly, but she really knows NOTHING about my personal life (ie.... she knows nothing about The Guy).

I have a bulletin board on my wall with tons of pictures of me with various people. Justine can verify this..... there's about 30 pictures. One of them is me with TG on his last day here (two days after my birthday..... August 27, 2009).

So coworker "A" starts looking through my stash in my closet and notices the picture of me and TG, "Awwwww..... there's good-looking. I miss him. He's been gone too long. He needs to visit."

I reply, "Yep. It's been a year, this week."

A - "That long?! He needs to come back. I miss him..... he's been on my heart, lately."

Me - "Really? Well, pray for him. I guess that's all we can do"

A - "I have been. He's been on my heart, lately. I'm worried about him.... I don't think he's happy."

 

Me - "Well, just pray for him. I do, everyday."

 

A - "I do and will. I'm just worried about him. I just have this gut feeling. I have this feeling that he's coming back soon........ and when he does, you need to be ready for it."

 

Me (trying to keep from looking like God has reached from the Heavens and slapped me across the face) - "Oh?"

 

A - "I mean, I don't talk with him and I don't talk to anyone who does. I just have this feeling that he's coming back and you need to be ready."

 

Me (trying to be nonchalant) - "Oh, wow, A. That's interesting."

 

A - "I'm telling you, he's unhappy. He's unhappy and he's thinking. He's thinking about what is missing from his life..... he's wondering and trying to figure out what's not right. He's going to come back....... and you, Little Miss, you need to be ready for it."

 

Me (getting a little freaked out, at this point) - "Well, I guess we'll see."

 

A - "I'm serious. You're working on yourself, right now. You're working on the outside.... and you're doing a good job. But more importantly, you're working on getting the outside AND the inside on track. You're trying to get YOU where you want to be. Just keep it up, because when he comes back, you're going to need to be ready for it."

 

Me - "Um, ok."

 

A (as she's walking out of my office) - "Just so you know...... it's no coincidence that I brought this up today."

 

I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor, two weeks later. Because, while it's most likely just crazy-talk, HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!?! How strange is it that a person who literally knows ZERO about the situation would bring that up one year TO THE DAY since he left?

 

I don't really think it means anything (other than maybe I'm not as crazy or delusional as I thought), but I literally got chills during that conversation. It's one of those things that you just don't expect.

 

4 - Do you have a moment where you gained clarity about your life?

I have a lot of those moments, actually. Some I've posted about when they happened and others that have just happened along the way.

5 - What are you doing to achieve your biggest dream?

My biggest personal dream is to be a wife and mom. Right now, I'm not really doing anything to achieve it. The one thing that A said that WAS true was that I *am* working on me. I'm trying to get all of me (inside, outside, and everything in between) on the right track and where God wants me to be. That way, no matter what happens down the road, I'll be ready.

I have a lot of professional dreams. Some of them may come true........ or none of them. I'm still in such a learning phase that being right where I am is what I need to do to work towards achieving those dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weekly Workout Blog - Week 66

NOTE: I got weighed and measured on Friday........ even between my birthday and a cruise, I still managed to lost 2 lbs in the month of August! My measurements basically stayed the same, with the exception of a couple small losses. I was frozen in fear that I'd gained weight, but was THRILLED with the small loss!! Now, I need to make up the difference in September!

Sunday - Nothing

Monday - Labor Day (I was a lazy bum)

Tuesday - Curves

Wednesday - Curves

Thursday - 15 mins Elliptical and 30 mins Treadmill

Friday - Curves

Saturday - 45 mins Treadmill

 

 

I'd say I did pretty well on the first week back. I still have a lot of making up to do, but I'm on the right track.