Sad

Saturday was my big work event. Work-wise, it went off flawlessly. Just wonderful.

However, there was all this personal drama with all the staff and it took away from how happy we should have been that things went well. Like, it was everyone, but let's just go with my drama.....

FD brought BSG. 14 Hour Day. Yay.

BSG pretended to smile at the right moments, etc, but basically made it clear that she didn't want me there and was annoyed that I had the nerve to infringe on her day.

Um, hello. This is my job. I HAVE to be here. Your presence, however, is optional. I don't go to your work and act like I don't want you there.

Then, through a series of events, it hit me like a ton of bricks that the day before was the 1st Anniversary of my Aunt Jan's death and the next day (yesterday) was the 9th Anniversary of Mike's death. Like, in my head, I obviously knew it. But, I'd been so busy and preoccupied throughout the week that I hadn't had time to process and feel it. So, unexpectedly, when none of our listeners were around, I burst into tears. Emotional meltdown. Then, I cried even harder that I couldn't have kept it together until the whole day was over.

A couple people comforted me. Let me cry.

FD? Turned his back and pretended he didn't see me crying. BSG? Literally stood there, dancing to music on the overhead, and continued her "Baby, baby, let's go!!!"

My sister and my intern? Ready to punch both of them. Because no matter what, when someone is visibly upset, it is not appropriate to stand there and dance.

Remember. This is the same FD that was with me the night my aunt died. The best he had to offer at the end of the night was a one armed hug and a "Feel better."  

Later on in the day, I hear from various sources how THEY were having arguments throughout the day. How he asked her to go away and give him some space, at least twice. And, how he made it known to a few people that.... "she is extremely, obsessively jealous of Jessica."

Maybe I should have known this before. Maybe I DID know this before and convinced myself otherwise. However, it hit me that as long as they are together, FD and I can't be friends. She will never be ok with it and I am tired of fighting it.

We can't be completely out of each other's lives because we work together, but other than that, she wins. I'm just done.

This morning, he came bebopping into my office. Trying everything in the book to get me to let him off the hook..... tried every angle available to him to broach into "safe" conversation so that he would know I was ok with him without having to actually ask.

I'm just so done that I didn't have the heart to even pretend. I gave him one or two word answers until he finally left.

About 20 minutes later.....

And, now, I'm just really sad. Over the past month, the romantic feelings have gone away. Not to say they wouldn't come back under the right circumstances, but they weren't there. It was just friends. Close friends.

Until you add in BSG, who can't handle it and him not being able to handle both of us and me not being able to handle being the "most of the time, unless my crazy jealous girlfriend is around" friend.

But, I'm tired. And, really, really sad.