Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Old Wounds

The past several weeks have been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Some days I'm super positive about the future and what's in store for me. Other days, I'm really sad and in an uncertain frame of mind.

I was in a really good place. I was feeling confident and an excited nervous. Then, I sort of got slapped back on my rump. 

The more time passes, the more it hits me that I really have NO clue where my life is going. That has been pretty tough to deal with. I truly, with every ounce of my being, KNOW that God has a plan for me. I know that He knows everything I do not and I know that trusting Him is the only way. That being said.... the not knowing sometimes wears me down.

If you have read this blog long enough, you know how hard I've worked to move past what went down with The Guy. It really took a very long time to stop hurting over it. It took even longer for me to even CONSIDER feeling anything for anyone else.

Meanwhile, I had this "Fun Distraction" that was just that... a fun distraction. He didn't quite live up to The Guy, but was a good friend. I honestly didn't think of him as a viable option, but he was a good person to spend time with. There has always been a flirty vibe between us.... and, it's always seemed that if I wanted something, it could be something that he'd be willing to explore.

One of my friends put it brilliantly, yesterday..... "I have seen a very slow build between the two of you. You've always come across as very friendly with one another, but I don't think you were ready. I remember suggesting him to you and you just weren't interested. It really wasn't until last Fall that I think things started to change. I noticed the two of you gravitating more and more toward each other. You guys slowly became a unit in other people's eyes. Then, over the past several months, I think *you* started to decide that you really wanted to try something with him."

That is basically how it's been. I've always liked the attention, but I was so uncertain. Then, I decided I did want to put myself out there.

Only, I was two weeks too late.

From a FD angle, I'm having a really hard time understanding what is going on with him. He spent the better part of a year telling me all the reasons that he didn't want to get into a relationship with BSG. Even as he was telling me that he needed to try things out with her, he was *still* telling me that there were "red flags."

Twice, I have been around the two of them since they started dating. Both times, he was not himself. Both times she displayed all those things that he says he doesn't like..... and, not just to me, but to others. The two of us haven't spoken about their relationship since I told him how I felt, but I'm "hearing around the grapevine" that he is still griping about various things.

The main thing is that we cannot be ourselves with one another, right now. When she is around, we try really, really hard to "act normal" but we just can't. When I say that she makes it impossible, I really mean it. So, I've taken the stance of "how we have to act when she is around is pretty much how we need to act when she is not around." I do not like that they are together. I do not think she is good for him, at all. However, he is choosing to have her as his girlfriend, right now..... I have to respect that title. If she were ok with us being friends, and didn't mind our banter, our thoughtless touches, etc, then we could keep it........ but, I refuse to be one way 90% of the time and then pretend that doesn't exist during the 10% that she is around. It isn't fair to either of us.

I do miss my friend. I miss the guy that I could be myself around. I also am so confused by what is going on with him and BSG, but really it's not my problem to fix.

From a semi-non-FD angle, there are so many old wounds, old fears, and old insecurities that having been bubbling to the surface.

I feel like I did all. that. work. to heal after TG and now the same thing is happening. I am, once again, left holding the bag. I feel like I'm not even being given a chance.

People that know me know that it is not easy for me to open my heart. It takes a lot for me to look at guy and think of him as "more." I was never the teenager that had a notebook full of hearts and boys' names doodled over them. I wasn't fickle, at all. That is just me.

So, when there is a crack in the armor... when I let someone in even just a little bit.... it is really, really hard to evacuate them.

I'm told that I don't try. I'm told that I don't put myself out there. I'm told that I just seem so darned content to be by myself.

All of that is basically true.

Except when it's not.

When it's not..... it is super, super painful and confusing.

I don't try until I find someone that I think is worth trying for.

I don't put myself out there until I feel enough to warrant laying it out on the line.

I'm content to be by myself until there is someone that I want to be with.

That is why I'm forcing myself to do the whole Match thing. So far, it is going "ok".... nothing of substance to report, but I'm slowly starting to do the whole "let's meet for coffee" thing and see if any of them lead to an actual date.

If you could pray, I'd appreciate it. I'm honestly begging God to change something for the better before my birthday. It seems like a realistic time period, lol. I just want all of this sadness and feeling of uncertainty to be gone before I start a new year.

Like I said, it's been a roller coaster. An absolute roller coaster.

*** Just to note - I feel the need to say that I don't think BSG is a bad person. Really, she is not. Honestly, on paper, we have a lot of similarities.... very similar morals, beliefs, basic character traits. However, once you look up and see the two of us, we are very, very different. Our core is very similar, but our outside personalities are VERY different. So, she is not a bad person. She is actually a sweet girl. And, I think she really deserves someone great. I just do not think she is right for FD or he for her. I think that, on paper, he is what she wants.... but, his personality seems to conflict with what she is comfortable handling and her actions/attitude reflects that.


Justine said...

Oh gosh. I can't imagine what it's like to date as an adult. I really hope things work out with FD... I think you're handling all this really well. You're not bitter, or jealous, you're just telling it like it is. Good for you, Jess. I'll pray for you :)

Melissa Jo said...

Situations like this can be really hard, and no matter what anyone says it doesn't make it any easier. I understand this oh too well. Just be careful with the folks on match.. I've had a few bad situations for my own experience and they were super creepy dudes!

Gina said...

Mark my words. God is going to take all of this and turn it into something beautiful, one way or the other. You are going to get a huge gift that is directly related to all this heartache somehow. I can't wait to see what it is.

LWLH said...

Ditto what Gina said.

I think there is something great just waiting for you.