Monday, April 8, 2013

Things People Say.....

We all know it. Those questions people ask or things they say when they are trying to be helpful, but basically make you cringe. I read posts every so often that relate to pregnancy or parenting, but we all fall victim to intrusive inquiries.

Here's the thing....... Unless you COMPLETELY catch me off guard, I'm going to have some sort of sarcastic comeback to it. Not to hurt anyone's feelings, but if they ask, they should be prepared for whatever answer I give, right?

For example.... A couple weeks ago, we were at a family function. LOTS of family there. My cousin, my Great-Aunt Dot, and I were in the kitchen. Aunt Dot asked it..... "So, Jessie when are you going to get married?"

Keep in mind.... Aunt Dot is the sweetest, most complimentary woman you will ever meet. Every time she sees me, she tells me how pretty I am....... even at my largest, she thought I was beautiful. So, she doesn't mean anything bad about it, but she still asked. At which point, Heidi's head popped up and she couldn't contain the smile in anticipation of what was about to come out of my mouth....

"Well, Aunt Dot. I don't know. In order to get married, I have to find someone who wants to marry me back."

(laughing) "Well, why can't you find one that wants to marry you?"

"Because, there are a lot of stupid men out there."

Heidi later said that she loves and hates when they ask those questions. Hates because it's one of "those" questions, but loves because I always return the question with something ridiculous.

Other responses have included (but are not limited to)....

"When Men 'R' Us has a half off sale."

"I'm not. I'm considering becoming a nun."

"Shhhh.... I'm secretly married, but no one knows."

"I'm not sure, but I could give you a couple of guys' numbers and you could ask them." (Thanks for that one, Meg!)

Beyond the marriage question, there are a lot of fun weight questions/comments/suggestions......

"So, are you still losing?"....... "My weight - not this week. My mind - All the time."

"Have you been to the gym lately?"....... "Nope. I was too busy out looking for you."

"You know. This salad (from Olive Garden) is much healthier for you than that Minestrone Soup."..... "Really? That is so odd. I could have sworn that these vegetables and beans were better for me than iceberg lettuce and dressing, but thanks for setting me straight."

"You don't need to lose another 30 lbs. You'll be too skinny.".... "Thanks for saying that, but how about I lose 30 and if you still think I look too skinny I'll slowly adjust up?"

"Your boobs are getting too small for my liking." (this one came from a male coworker, mind you).... "Well, then I guess it's a good thing that you liking the size of my boobs isn't my concern."



Busy Momma said...

hahahahaha! I love you. *you will be too skinny in 30 lbs. lol.

Nancy Hood said...

On FB, Jess, where they ask what language do you speak? I clicked on American English and then Fluent Sarcasm hahaha the girls thought it was "moooooom!" so eventually I took if off but I love love love being sarcastic. :D You're my kind of girl!

Melissa said...

Haha! I LOVE THIS! I have come up with some sarcastic ones in my single days... my least favorite was "why aren't you married yet?" - um, "ask God???" Haha. I came up with some that never got said out loud though. Darn!

The baby one really annoys me. I had one person say they felt sorry for my parents b/c i hadn't made them grandparents. That one actually infuriated me - it was hurtful. Another one, "well, y'all better hurry up!" (referring to my age) The baby ones kill me b/c they are, w/o realizing it, trying to get you to talk about your sex life. I mean, NO!!!

The part about Heidi's head popping up in anticipation of what you would say... hilarious :)