..... is kicking my butt, right now.
Like, I'm having a really hard time dealing with one blow after another.
There is a lot of good. I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to live in the good.
But, I can't say that the bad isn't weighing me down.
Yesterday, I had several of important talks. A lot of them revolved around my greatest insecurity..... That I will never be enough. That the day will not come where a man looks at me and says, "YOU are exactly what I want and have been waiting for."
It's what I fear the most.
Yesterday, I stood in front of a man that I greatly care about... that I want something with. And, I listened to him tell me how wonderful I was.... How much I mean to him.... How he can't count on one hand how many people in this world he cares about as much as he cares about me.... How I'm sweet and funny and thoughtful and driven and I have a great family.... and, how he didn't want me. He wants me in his life. He can't see his life without me in it, but he wants to try life with someone else (even though he freely admits that he loves, but isn't in love, with this woman and he has no intention of ever marrying her). I'm just not enough for him.
And, as he told me all about this other woman's insecurities and why he has to make allowances for them, I listened to him list off these things that I've experienced in my own life. These happenings that "make her" so afraid and untrusting..... I've actually experienced myself. I told him that. I also told him that he didn't see me putting him or anyone else on trial for those things. I told him that what was happening in this very instance was exactly what I was the most insecure about.
It was extremely tough, to say the least.
About a year ago, I was in a similar state of mind. Granted, right now is worse because I'm getting it from several angles. Regardless, I was in this state of mind.
A friend.... who oddly was only in my life for a few short months.... said to me, "You need to know that if no one chooses you for the rest of your life. If you aren't picked as the best friend. If you aren't picked for a job. If you aren't picked as the love. If you go the rest of your life not being chosen, remember that God CHOSE YOU! He chose to bring you into this world. He knew that there was something unique and special about you.... something no one else in the world would ever have. He chose to die for you. He. Chose. You."
A couple friends over the past few weeks have made the point that even though I was in a good place this summer, maybe I wasn't in the place God wanted me to be in. Work is an ongoing question, but on the TG and FD front, I was "ok." They were in the picture, but in the background of it. I wasn't thinking about them, but they were still there. They were books on the shelf.
These friends have suggested that maybe God wanted them out, for good. That maybe God is burning those books, so to speak, to allow for some room on the shelf. That maybe it is time that I completely shut those doors and nail them shut. And, maybe something beyond my wildest dreams will be around the corner.
Or, not. Maybe there isn't something better around the corner, but I am trying to take steps to get them out of my life, as much as possible.
TG is actually pretty easy. He isn't here.
FD is a lot tougher. We work together. And, his exact words were, "You are going to have to tell me how to handle this, because I don't know how to proceed. We've done the avoidance thing and it never feels right. It doesn't feel right to not be friends." So, if I want him out of my life, *I* have to be the one that makes it happen.
This really, really sucks. I hope the better comes soon.