I try to be a nice person. I really do. I don't ever want to intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone.
That being said, I'm naturally a sarcastic person with a slightly biting view on things. I usually save those comments for my family (ie, mainly Heidi) because she appreciates them for what they are and knows that I don't really mean to be mean. Because, generally, I *LIKE* people. I appreciate them for who they are.... and, my offbeat thoughts/comments really, truly are me embracing their quirks.
Several months ago, I wrote about a ghost, of sorts. A girl that I was struggling with not liking, even though she was barely in my life, anymore.
God has a major sense of humor.
Because, this girl who I haven't even seen in a couple of years got a job for an organization in which my job is closely related. And, we are each other's direct contacts.
Her predecessor was someone I adored, both professionally and personally. So, imagine my dismay and then horror when I found out that 1) she was leaving and 2) she was leaving me with THE GHOST.
We had a meeting, today. Face-to-face. And, we're both professional..... or mature.... or fake.... however you want to look at it.... enough to put a smile on our faces, go through the pleasantries, and act as though the past hasn't happened.
In reality, the past doesn't matter. We aren't friends. We don't stay in touch. We do not affect each other's life and overall happiness. But, there was an underlying awkward.
And, in my head, there were not nice observations and thoughts. Ones that I'm not extremely proud of.
Like, when last year I found out she was engaged and had the moment of "How in the HELL is she engaged before me?!?!"
Today, my eyes went directly to her ring finger and I felt slightly smug that there wasn't one there, anymore.
Again, not proud. But, real.
Here's the good thing. Amongst the ten minute meeting (not only did she seem a bit on the nervous side, but she was quick about getting out of there), I did realize something.
I'm not intimidated by her, anymore.
And, despite my not-so-nice thoughts, I really just don't care, anymore. She doesn't bother me, like she used to bother me.
Because, after the knee-jerk reaction of smugness, I felt bad for her. In a "crap.... whatever caused that ring to go from being there to not being there was probably sad" way. And, again, after seeing HER reaction to ME, it sort of hit me that she's had a lot of ups and downs over the past couple of years. And, her wins, losses, and everything in between aren't for me to judge.
Clearly, I need to work on some heart issues with my mean thoughts..... However, the meeting and my observations ended up helping me turn a corner in my way of thinking about this particular ghost.