Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Struggles with friends...........

Hi, friends.

Thanks for the words of encouragement the other day. I needed it.

My day off was much enjoyed. I slept in, went to see Toy Story 3 (which was soooooo good), and got a mani/pedi.

Today, work was a lot better.

However, things with my friend are not. In fact, I believe they are a lot worse.

I'm hurt and I'm mad. And, so is she.

The difference is that I'm trying to see her point of view and she flat-out told me she's not interested in mine. I can see where she feels like I've done her wrong...... part of it is based on assumptions, which she refuses to listen to.

I told her that we need to talk it out...... that emailing is making things worse. She says she's not interested in talking. That she's "over it." She's not mad, she's not hurt, she doesn't feel like I have a reason to be either, and she feels like nothing between us personally has changed.

Only, she keeps attacking me personally and making accusations. So, clearly, she's not over it.

I'm really, really struggling.

Because, I do care about her and our friendship. I want to do my part to try to fix it.

However..........

1) I can't make her listen to me, if she just refuses.

2) It takes two people to have any successful relationship and that includes two people who are willing to communicate.

3) I won't have friends who tell me that my perspective doesn't mean anything, demean me, or refuse to let me get out my side.



She thinks that our professional relationship has changed, but our personal one hasn't been damaged, at all.

I feel we can work on the professional, but that the personal will be irrevocably damaged if we try to let this "blow over."

This is obviously where mixing personal and professional can become a problem.

9 comments:

PaigeR530 said...

Hugs. :)

Lil' Woman said...

Your a rock stuck in a hard place....I agree, it takes two people to make it work and it doesn't seem like she's willing to try.....atleast you are tho.

Gina said...

Ugh. I'm with you. Tell her Yoda says talk in person you must.

erin. said...

Oh my goodness... I can't imagine what I would do if I were in a situation like yours. Email definitely doesn't solve anything either. I am glad your at least trying to work it all out!

kjlangford said...

hmmmm.... this sucks.

I've been your friend. The not wanting to listen friend. She (like me) has confrontation issues, and it's hard to force someone out of that.

I will tell you this: even though I'm like your friend, from what I know about you, you're coming from a good place, and she is too scared (and probably a little prideful) to see that right now. If you act as a sacrificial friend (continue to be professional when need be, continue to be there for her as a friend when she lets you, even though it may be hard since you feel she doesn't care) she will most likely eventually come around and you guys can have an open conversation.

I can empathize with her because I've been in two situations where I've basically said "you know what, we don't need to talk about this, let's just move forward." one time I did move forward, mainly because my friend gave me time to cool off and we did talk it out when I was ready, but it was not something I wanted to do... but I also didn't want the tension in the relationship.

The other situation was one where I was backstabbed. Horribly. And the girl who did it wanted to "talk it over" and kept saying "I don't want you to be mad at me." But she showed me (as she had before) that I couldn't trust her and that she didn't have my best interests at heart and I basically said "I'm done talking about this, I don't really want to hear it or ever talk about it again."

Now I'm not saying you're like the second scenario... I know that wasn't the situation. But I could have sat and talked it out with that girl, but I refused because I was already so hurt. Sounds like you're both hurt, and she doesn't want it to continue. Sounds like she thinks rehashing it is just going to pull her wounds to the surface.

This sucks for you, because clearly you work the opposite of this. But try to understand why she might be saying "no, I don't want to hear your side"- she's worried that you might just say all the same things and you'll both just continue hurting each other.

That's why I suggest giving her time, because she may be ready to listen in a few weeks or a month. And if she's one to hold a grudge... well, maybe you're right and she's not a good friend to you anyway.

Just to be clear: I'm not condoning her attacks and I'm not accusing you of being a bad friend (you're actually a great one), I'm just pointing out why she might be insisting that she's over it. Defense mechanism. And while I can identify with her, I will tell you that it's not my best trait, it's just my pattern and your friend and I both have reasons for our patterns.

mrsashcake said...

ugh friendship troubles are no good!
i'll be thinking about you! :) HUGS!

Melissa said...

:( Urgh. That stinks. :( I'm sorry! I hope her heart will soften & she will agree to talk things out.

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

I'm having a friend issue too. It sucks. She, like your friend, is basically refusing to talk about the problem like an adult. She's just ignorning it and acting like nothing is wrong when clearly, SOMETHING IS WRONG. But, I'm to a point now where I'm just tired. It's always ME who fixes things with us and I can't do it anymore. This time, it's up to her. I'll continue to conduct myself with class and maturity and when she wants to behave the same way, then maybe things will get resolved. If not, then I guess she wasn't that good of a friend to begin with.

Brittany Ann said...

You definitely need to talk in person, and if she won't, back off and give her some space. You shouldn't have to deal with her issues until she's ready to put in the effort to be a true friend to you.