Thursday, July 8, 2010

6 months later......

Half a year. That's ridiculous.

Let me start off by explaining where I'm at, at the moment.

I still miss "The Guy." I still miss our friendship. I still wish things were different.

At the same time, I literally pray every single day that that I'll find peace. If TG and I aren't supposed to be in each other's lives, I'd like the desire to not be there and to be at peace with it. If we are, I want to be at peace with whatever capacity that entails.

Basically, I'm throwing my hands up and saying, "Jesus, take the wheel."

I've been saying that for a while.

You know how you had to run a mile in PE? Some people finished quickly.......... me, I took forever. I kept running, but it would take me twice as long to finish.

I'm running a mile, folks. Some people would have already finished, gone back to the locker room, showered, changed, and headed to lunch. I'm not. I'm still trudging along.

And, I'm ok with that. Because, I'm learning a lot and growing. I'm getting to a place where I feel comfortable, again. Where I'm starting to picture a blank face in my dreams of my future life and not his face. Where I'm not automatically reaching for the phone when something happens that I'd have shared with him. Where I start to think about my unknown future with a slight excited wonder, instead of a sad fear.

My endurance is better. I promise.

So much so that when TG contacted me in a show of support during the initial situation with my brother, I did get sappy for a little bit, but it quickly passed. I also got slightly annoyed............ It took my brother having heart problems before you can talk to me like a normal person?!

After that short exchange and show of heart, a month passed.

I even wondered to myself, "Well, I guess our once a month brief window of contact isn't going to happen. I guess that's ok. We're both moving on, for real."

Only, I mentioned on my Facebook that I was going to see Eclipse at midnight. And, he promptly replied with a smartass remark that alluded to an ongoing debate we've had for the past 4 years.

Again, I was both amused and annoyed. In fact, I said to my friend Billie Jo as we were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start, "How dare he?! Why does he do that? He can't just sit silent and then pretend like the past six months haven't happened! That's an inside joke between two best friends!! We aren't even friends, anymore!"

Then, I was done and decided to put it out of my mind.

On the 4th of July, he chatted me up on FB. We chatted for 30 minutes. About random stuff. I didn't ask him anything and I didn't volunteer any information about myself. He led the conversation........ mostly ridiculous chit-chat, with a few sides of being real and letting me in. Nothing too major, but like any conversation we would have had before.

You know, six months ago when we talked all the time.

Again, when the conversation ended, I felt a mixture of amusement, annoyance, relief, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. Mainly, I just didn't want to get too excited.

Because, it may not happen, again.

Even if it does, it doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot.

Because, I still need to keep my nose to the grindstone and move on.

Then, we got into a short debate on our friend's FB page.

While the above three instances really aren't a lot and aren't a whole lot to get excited about, they came in such quick succession that it left me wondering, "So, are we supposed to be friends, again? Is my punishment up? Did you decide that it's been long enough and we can go back to normal? Why ignore me for six months and then decide to start talking? Really.... what gives?"

Again, may just be a short set of flukes.

May not hear from him for another month..... or two.... or not at all.

I'll learn to be ok with that. I'll be ok with that.

If it's not, I still need to keep looking forward.... keep my nose to the grindstone.... move on.

Still slightly confused, though. And, a little perturbed.

A few days went by and one of my best friends brought him up. She'd noticed the FB action. I also mentioned to her about our conversation.

"He seems to be slowly making his way back into the picture. Or not. I can't really tell."

Her response......... "He doesn't need to be in the picture. You're better without him and if he inches his way back in, you'll be less likely to find someone new and from a relationship standpoint, that ship has sailed. You need closure and to move on."

To which I responded............... "Closure would be nice if I were to ever able to get any. But, I didn't. I got silence. Which answered one question, but none of the others."

Our conversation continued, but it ended up really pissing me off.

Because........ I know I need to move on. I get that. I'm working on it. I don't need to be told that.

And, I've made good progress. No, I'm not to the finish line, but I'm way farther along than I was a month ago or two months ago or three months ago.

Thankfully, I was able to get my cousin Heidi on the phone and she spent a while reminding me of all the ways I've grown. And, she helped me realize that one person's opinion (though, I do value that person and their opinion) is just one person's opinion. And, that no one.... not me, not Heidi, and not my other friend.... knows what's in store for me. Only God has those answers. And, that the way I'm going about it is the right and healthy way for me.

And, as much as she wants me to get over it and move on, she also admitted that I have plenty of reason to be confused and not quite over it.

Because, six months later, he's still pulling at the strings he knows he can pull.


Gina said...

Sounds to me like he is as confused as you are. My gut says he misses you too. Let me think about what Yoda would say about this one and I'll get back to you.

Brittany Ann said...

I agree with Gina. He's confused. And perhaps a bit manipulative. He doesn't seem to know what he wants, and that can be dangerous for your feelings. Point being, though, that you are not beholden to his "Work Through This" schedule, and you have to heal on your own, which means you have a right to tell him to knock it off and tell him where to stick it if he crosses a boundary so you CAN heal and move on.

Lil' Woman said...

I agree with Gina and Britt that he's seems confused but I still doesn't give him the go to just pop in and out of your life as he feels. You have to find your peace with the whole thing.

Janna said...

Hey Jess,

I read your blog earlier today and I have been thinking about it and you all day. I only WISH I was as strong as you have been. I have been going on a year and I can't and won't walk away. Even when it hurts more than it helps. So bravo to you for being strong! You CAN get through this!

Thanks for sharing and keep plugging away!

garden state prep said...

I think your cousin hit on a really great point - no one knows what's in store. Everyone has their own timeframe and you have to do what feels right for you, whether or not other people agree with it.