Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Fears (BEDIM 7)

First off...... HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful cousin, Heidi!!!!!
Day 7, Tuesday:
 The thing(s) you're most afraid of....

I am afraid of not finding the person I'm supposed to be with..... that I won't get to be a wife and a mother.

So many times in my life, I've been told, "You're not the girlfriend. You're the wife."

And, I've also been told, "Jess.... a mommy without a baby."

That is what I feel I am and yet, it hasn't happened.

I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. To fully accept that it may not be in God's plans for me and that I'll be ok.

I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I don't want to get married just to get married. I want it to be right.

But, I am afraid that it won't happen. Or, that I'll screw up my chances.

Also? I'm afraid that I won't make a mark on this Earth. That probably goes back to the whole wanting to be a wife and mother thing, too.

There is this song on the new Lady A album called 'Generation Away.' It talks about the things in history that people remember....... If I were a summer, I'd choose to be '69. If I were a doctor, I'd choose to be Dr. King. Etc, etc, etc.

It goes on in the chorus to talk about how it's here. Me and you. How this is our history. And, how I'm going to take all the pictures I can take and make memories for the 'generation away.'

My friend J texted me after hearing it that it was "my" song. That she loved the song and that she was going to think about me every time she heard it. I'm known for being "the picture taker." I constantly take pictures and savor moments. So, she heard the song and was like, "This is YOUR song!!!!!"

So, I'm afraid of growing old and eventually dying, and having little to show for it. That I won't have made enough of a difference. That eventually, I won't be remembered.

It's a little sad. And, a lot of pressure. I mean, for the billions of people that have lived on this Earth, only a relative handful make it into the history books. I get that. Maybe that is why I have this blog. So that years and years from now, someone who is randomly searching the vast interwebs will come across this little minuscule speck of it and think, "Wow, there's a girl who looks like she had a rich, fun, full life." 

1 comment:

Heather said...

Hi Jess! Clicked over from Jenni's link up. And this was me three years ago. Literally I cried about not finding the one. It is a totally valid and terrifying feeling. I found the quote (which I posted about thos week) "you must become the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with." And I started practicing it, and then a few months later I started seeing myself differently and low and behold eventually met my now husband. Don't give up hope, and in the mean time enjoy your single time and do whatever makes you happy, because after marriage (and I hear kids) you divide up the time you now can spend just on you.