Thursday, June 2, 2011

Please Remember Me

*** Just a warning..... This post is a tad on the heavy and vague and pity-party side. Mainly to get my own thoughts and emotions out. ***

I'm the type of person who tries to remember people. If I'm on vacation and am buying gifts, I'll wrack my brain trying to make sure I don't forget anyone. And, I'll buy a few extras, just in case I have.

I call or text people to let them know I'm thinking about them. And, 99% of the time, I don't care when they don't call/text me back. I honestly, truly don't. As long as I know they aren't annoyed by me calling/texting, I'll keep doing it. Just so they know that I care and that I'm here.

However, sometimes, I'm forgotten. And, it makes me really sad.

Yesterday, there was an incident that left me really, really hurt. It was unintentional.... completely unintentional.... and the forgetful parties feel awful about it. I know they do. I know they love me and appreciate me. I do know that.

But, the fact that I was forgotten and left out really has left me slightly heartbroken. I am trying to stop crying about it and trying to stop feeling sad about it and trying to just move on from it. I'm trying to put a smiling face on so that they don't feel bad about it, anymore.

Here's the thing, though...........

It's really tough to be excited and happy for someone.... so excited and happy to be a part of their lives. Then, you look around and see all the "recognitions" they've put in place. And, then slowly realize that you aren't a part of any of it.

That they spent time and effort recognizing people. They worked hard to make sure certain people were included......... and, then they forget a person who really should have been a no-brainer. You look around and think, "I'm here all the time. How did they forget me?"

That feeling is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

And, I know that they are going to spend time, going overboard, to make sure to know that I'm included going forward. Honestly, though, that doesn't help. It actually makes it worse. Because, then you feel like an obligation, rather than someone that they just naturally want around.

One of my coworkers has a Post-It note on her office wall. It says three things.... "Jessica - Aug 25." She'll never know how much that tiny little Post-It means to me every time I walk into her office. I've never even mentioned it. Or, the couple times she's gotten me gifts and I've written her "Thank You" cards.... she has those cards on her bulletin board. Again, never mentioned it. But, there is something that touches my heart about her remembering me..... even in a small way.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive or overly dramatic. I get that. And, I get that I'm loved. I do.

But, over the past 14 or so hours, I've really questioned all the decisions I've made over the past 10 years. I question my life path. I wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. If I'm where I'm supposed to be. I wonder where I'm supposed to go from here. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what I need to do to be remembered in life.

Sometimes, you just wonder if you didn't care so much, if it would be easier.

To top it all off......... As I'm feeling like this, I think about anyone that I may have ever forgotten or made to feel like this. And, I feel horrible about it. Because, I'd hate for them to feel it, too.


Marianne said...

This post? Is EXACTLY what I've wanted to write the past two weeks but haven't because, unfortunately, the people it would be about read my blog. Although, I may write a post that says, "Wondering how I'm feeling? Read this post by sista from anutha mista."

& you know what? You truly are one of the best friends a girl could ask for. I know, without a doubt, you'd do anything for the ones you love. You are SO good about sending those little reminders, "hey, I'm here for you & thinking about you." And in case I haven't told you, that means more to me than you will ever know.

We need a phone date, so we can both vent. So sorry you've been hurt, but know that I am always here for you, anytime, any day.

Love ya, twin!

PS, can I move to florida yet?

ty said...

I think I know this feeling, too. To try your hardest to make sure everyone around you feels loved and happy, and then be left out or unrecognized with something that should be a no-brainer is just awful.

It shouldn't be a reason to stop being yourself, though. For as many times as there are times like these, there are times that your actions means more than you know. And that makes it worth it.

Melissa said...

Ugh! Girl, that truly is one of the WORST feelings ever. :( I'm sorry. :(

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Like everyone else....been there. It sucks. And you know what? You have every right to feel what you feel. Your feelings are valid! You are loved, just remember that.

Janna said...

I JUST talked about this issue with my therapist this week...I don't understand why it is so hard to be a friend.

I am sorry you are having a rough time...

I hope your heart heals and you can be back to enjoying things like before.


Nancy said...

We used to entertain so much, but rarely hardly ever got invited to anyone else's home :( so over a period of time I just quit. I miss the get togethers and the ones I truly was so loyal to have simply continued having fun with others that I'm not close to. It hurts, especially when it's within your congregation. Then I realize just who the true friends are and I feel blessed that I don't have to deal with high maintenance friends ;) Oh, and I heard a guest on Oprah recently say "You have an approval addiction" and I do! I have to have the approval of those around me and try so hard to work to deserve it. I'm trying hard to break that habit.

erin. said...

Wow, I am totally wondering the same thing. I'm actually about to write about a similar situation I'm in. So sad that these things happen. From what I've read on your blog we are so, so similar!

Ashley Belle said...

Oh honey! Believe I can COMPLETELY relate! I remember crying in my mom's lap the week after I had Lena because hardly anyone called, and just a few people sent any sort of card or flower! And I am ALWAYS the first to do/call when something like that happens in other's lives! It's hard!! But those that matter will not forget, or truly will make it right! And unfortunately, atleast in my case, you just have to stop doing for so many all the time, quit being taken advantage of, and focus your energy more where it's appreciated! I hate that you feel this way, it's absolutely gut wrenching! Praying you feel some peace soon!!

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, hun, I am so sorry. You really are such a great person - I know you because of the texts and gifts and phone calls you've sent to me - and I hate that you're forgotten.

I, for one, am not a great communicator in return all the time. But I hate that it hurts such sweet, well-meaning people's feelings like you!

Just are not doing anything wrong!

PaigeR530 said...

:( I totally empathize with you. It's so hard to move forward from this feeling with those relationships because you always find yourself second guessing their true intentions for including you. You are a TERRIFIC friend, one that I wish were nearer to Kentucky because you are such a blessing in everyone's lives. Hugs.