*** Just a warning..... This post is a tad on the heavy and vague and pity-party side. Mainly to get my own thoughts and emotions out. ***
I'm the type of person who tries to remember people. If I'm on vacation and am buying gifts, I'll wrack my brain trying to make sure I don't forget anyone. And, I'll buy a few extras, just in case I have.
I call or text people to let them know I'm thinking about them. And, 99% of the time, I don't care when they don't call/text me back. I honestly, truly don't. As long as I know they aren't annoyed by me calling/texting, I'll keep doing it. Just so they know that I care and that I'm here.
However, sometimes, I'm forgotten. And, it makes me really sad.
Yesterday, there was an incident that left me really, really hurt. It was unintentional.... completely unintentional.... and the forgetful parties feel awful about it. I know they do. I know they love me and appreciate me. I do know that.
But, the fact that I was forgotten and left out really has left me slightly heartbroken. I am trying to stop crying about it and trying to stop feeling sad about it and trying to just move on from it. I'm trying to put a smiling face on so that they don't feel bad about it, anymore.
Here's the thing, though...........
It's really tough to be excited and happy for someone.... so excited and happy to be a part of their lives. Then, you look around and see all the "recognitions" they've put in place. And, then slowly realize that you aren't a part of any of it.
That they spent time and effort recognizing people. They worked hard to make sure certain people were included......... and, then they forget a person who really should have been a no-brainer. You look around and think, "I'm here all the time. How did they forget me?"
That feeling is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.
And, I know that they are going to spend time, going overboard, to make sure to know that I'm included going forward. Honestly, though, that doesn't help. It actually makes it worse. Because, then you feel like an obligation, rather than someone that they just naturally want around.
One of my coworkers has a Post-It note on her office wall. It says three things.... "Jessica - Aug 25." She'll never know how much that tiny little Post-It means to me every time I walk into her office. I've never even mentioned it. Or, the couple times she's gotten me gifts and I've written her "Thank You" cards.... she has those cards on her bulletin board. Again, never mentioned it. But, there is something that touches my heart about her remembering me..... even in a small way.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive or overly dramatic. I get that. And, I get that I'm loved. I do.
But, over the past 14 or so hours, I've really questioned all the decisions I've made over the past 10 years. I question my life path. I wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. If I'm where I'm supposed to be. I wonder where I'm supposed to go from here. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what I need to do to be remembered in life.
Sometimes, you just wonder if you didn't care so much, if it would be easier.
To top it all off......... As I'm feeling like this, I think about anyone that I may have ever forgotten or made to feel like this. And, I feel horrible about it. Because, I'd hate for them to feel it, too.